11 Gifts Not To Get Mom

There’s a gift guide for every type of person. There’s a gift guide for Your Quirky Nephew Who Loves Fortnite. There’s a gift guide for Your Father-In-Law You’d Like To Hate Less. There’s a gift guide for Your Foster Chinchilla Who Has Everything.

And of COURSE, there are a plethora of gift guides for MOM.

I’m currently reading a galley of a book called Dyke Delusions by Samantha Mann. It’s a gloriously discursive essay collection about the liminal space of adolescence, queer identity, motherhood, and so much more. In one section, Mann conducts a fairly scientifically rigorous study to discover if non-moms are hornier than moms. The study itself is the setup for the joke, the punchline of which is the study’s finding, which SHOCKINGLY indicates that there is no measurable difference between moms’ horniness levels vs. non-moms’ horniness levels. It’s almost as though your position as a mother has very little to do with your level of horniness because mothers are women and women are people and people are individuals!

So today I’d like to (bravely!) suggest that when it comes to gift giving, perhaps utilizing a loved one’s motherhood as, like, THE lens through which to find a meaningful gift is not the best idea. And here are some “gifts” that prove my point.