In Pursuit of Clean Countertops

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Adventures in copywriting

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Adventures in copywriting

A scene

Sara Petersen
Jul 12, 2022
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Adventures in copywriting

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Int. A random room in a random office building. Somewhere.

Two copywriters stare at photograph of a pair of white shorts. They are searching for inspiration.

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Dildo Baggins feature image
White shorts in question

Greg

It’s a pair of white shorts.

Ned

Not a lot to work with.

Greg

I mean, they have zipped pockets. “Get zippy with birddogs!”

Ned

I still don’t get why a brand selling shorts is called birddogs so I’m not sure we should evoke the brand name.

Greg

Fine. Let’s hear your idea.

Ned

How about “The only shorts you’ll ever need!” That whole “this one product will save the world” trope is pretty hot right now.

Greg

Yeah, but we want to sell more than one pair of shorts.

Ned

Who’s the target demo again?

Greg

Moms.

Ned

It’s always moms.

Greg

Yeah, but adult moms.

Ned

Aren’t most moms adults?

Greg

No, like, moms of adult kids.

Ned

Anything else? Anything specific about these moms of adult kids? We need something here.

Greg

Oh you know what? There is something else. These moms of adult kids have a problem.

Ned

Now we’re talking! Let’s solve that problem for them.

Greg

Ok, so I know I said the kids were adults but here’s the thing: their penises aren’t.

Ned

Huh?

Greg

Yeah, these adult sons of the moms we want to target don’t have adult penises.

Ned

Why? And how many moms have adult kids with non-adult penises? Is this really a lucrative market?

Greg

I don’t know. Not my problem. My problem is to write some ad copy to sell some shorts.

Ned (sighs and reconsiders his life)

Ok, so . . . how’s this? “Finally! Shorts that will give ‘em something to talk about!”

Greg

Too vague. We need to really show that these shorts will fix the non-adult penis problem. It’s gotta be clear.

Ned

“When this package arrives at your door, it’s not the only package you’ll be receiving!” That’s garbage. Jesus.

Greg

I think we need to be as explicit and direct as possible. Maybe a fake customer testimonial.

Ned

Like literally just say “These shirts gave my son an adult penis” ??

Greg

Yes! I like the simplicity. And then a call to action.

Ned

Can we tell them they’re on sale even if they’re not?

Greg

We need some urgency so the target demo is pressured to buy.

Ned

“Get them before they’re gone!” “Sure to sell out!” “Limited run!” 

Greg

Meh.

Ned (mutters under his breath and remembers how he almost went to Veterinary College)

“Just buy already”

Greg

I think it’s fine.

Ned

But is it?

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