An Ex-Trad Wife On What the Insta Photos Don't Show

Tia Levings on the impossibility of the trad fantasy

One of the most salient draws of the online trad wife performance is people’s inability to know (like really know) whether or not traditional gender roles actually fulfill real women. Along with the beautiful pictures, the public’s inability to know whether or not Hannah Neeleman is fulfilled in her life of maternal and wifely service holds millions rapt. Whether a trad wife’s follower is someone like me, who firmly believes that living a life dictated by a man’s rules would be hell. Or whether their follower is someone who feels lost and exhausted and is desperate for an alternative to capitalistic striving. In both cases, the follower doesn’t know - not without a shadow of doubt anyway - if a trad wife lifestyle might actually make her happy.

Many of the folks (like me!) most fascinated with trad life are feminists who don’t subscribe to any organized religion and are working every day (if partnered) to achieve more gendered equity in their homes. It’s the huge difference between our lives and the perceived lives of trad wives that keeps us hooked. Because our lives are so messy. And theirs look so fucking pretty. We are angry. They won’t shut up about bliss and fulfillment.

What’s missing in this cycle of attraction and repulsion, of course, is the voice of trad wives who have left. Trad wives who have lived as devoted helpmeets determined to find the happily ever after their good behavior was supposed to guarantee. Trad wives who have followed all the rules. Trad wives who have been broken by those rules.

Tia Levings used to be a trad wife. For decades, she did everything she could to ignore and actively resist her internal compass in order to end up with the prize patriarchy had promised her again and again: a peaceful, joyful, loving life. And for decades, she suffered gaslighting, deprivation, all forms of abuse, and the systematic destruction of her selfhood. But Tia Levings got out. And her raw, insightful, beautiful book, A Well-Trained Wife: My Escape from Christian Patriarchy is necessary reading for anyone who wants to better understand the cultural and religious contexts undergirding so many of the most popular trad accounts. Ballerina Farm included. If you’d like a chance to win a copy of Tia’s book, comment below (giveaways are only open for paid subscribers).

Sara

You’re one of the first people I wanted to ask about the recent Ballerina Farm profile, which seemed to indicate a disturbing level of patriarchal control within the Neeleman family. What did you think, and what do you say to people responding to the backlash by suggesting it’s “anti-feminist” to not celebrate Hannah’s “choice” in all of this? Some choices are freer than others, right?

Tia

Hannah’s “choice” comes under scrutiny as anti-feminist because now, in 2024, we have a greater understanding about the coercion and grooming that influence a woman’s choice to subjugate herself, as well as survivor stories to help outsiders recognize red flags for neglect and abuse. 

While the “trad” lifestyle presents itself as a free and open option to women, in reality it’s not for most adherents. Women choose it either after a lifetime of preparation for rigid gender roles, or after being backed into a chaotic corner desperate for a solution, or on the false premise that the lifestyle matches the promises. 

The essential reason why this piece rang alarm bells so loudly is because the cracks showed. Readers could identify the warning signs her children are parentified, she’s dangerously exhausted, and the equality they insist exists is unlikely. The bottom line is that Hannah and Daniel aren’t just choosing this lifestyle for themselves: there are vulnerable children involved, and if we center the survivors of trad homes, we know that statistically, there is likely abuse and neglect taking place, despite their wealth and beauty. 

It’s also telling that feminists would protect a woman’s right to choose a traditional lifestyle, while the reverse is rarely true: the trad wife movement supports changes to our laws and government that restricts a woman’s choice to live any other way. 

Sara

Many people (in response to the Ballerina Farm profile), are saying that Hannah can leave any time she wants if she’s really so miserable, but I find such criticism to be ignorant of abusive power dynamics. Of course, we have NO idea about the specifics of the Neeleman marriage (or whether it’s abusive), but I think this tendency to blame victims for staying is so pernicious. You write beautifully about why you stayed (and why you didn’t disclose the horrors of your relationship to loved ones until later on), but what would you say to people claiming that an unhappy wife in a patriarchal marriage should “just leave” ? 

Tia

Hannah’s first captivity is within her own mind. She has to first see the unsustainable nature of this lifestyle to wish to leave it—and that will probably require some kind of serious endangerment. For example, sibling incest is high in quiverful homes. So is extreme maternal exhaustion and illness. Accidents. Plot twists away from the lovely narrative. Sometime has to threaten her high control grip both that she’s under and over. Hannah Neeleman’s full time job is trad family PR and that job will begin each day within her own mind, probably before her husband is even up. But when he is, a quick acknowledgement of the wealth, resource, and power she’s up against, not to mention the responsibility for a large family, will snap her back into place. 

Anyone who says “just leave” has no idea how strong invisible prisons are, how mind control works, and how captivity within the patriarchy works. That’s one reason why I wrote A Well-Trained Wife, to hopefully show that and trigger some compassion. 

Sara

I think one of the fascinations with trad families is simply the SIZE of the families. I feel a little bit like a conspiracist in sharing this, but is it a stretch to view the supposedly religious reasons in support of many, many children as simply a systematic way to exhaust and disempower women and mothers? I wonder if you can talk about how the mainstream fight for bodily autonomy, birth control, and reproductive justice directly relates to patriarchal fundamentalism?

Tia

Not a stretch at all. The patriarchy wants to run the country the way they run their homes. In a patriarchal home, the women are exhausted and disempowered; all power flows through fathers. We can trust that’s the model they believe is ideal for the whole of society. 

They’ll achieve that in many ways—through legislation that removes our path to independence or supports our equality and empowerment; through idealization and pretty aesthetics like the tradwife movement that appeals to our longing for rest and simplicity; through shame and guilt (don’t you love babies? What’s wrong with you that you wouldn’t love more babies?); through promises of safety through their protection (although what we need protection from is them.) 

Patriarchy is great at creating problems they then promise to solve. A good example of this is denying childcare or equal pay, and then when we’re too tired from stretching ourselves too thin, offer us incentives to quit and stay home. 

Family size is a natural consequence of unprotected sex. So the patriarchy removes our protection (contraception), grooms women to understand their sole role is to breed and satisfy men, and denies options for unwanted or unsustainable pregnancies. The goal of those large families is multi-faceted, keeping women busy and at home, but the end-game is population dominance according to Dominion theology, and the roots are in white supremacy. White males will lead, white women will support, brown families will serve as the labor force. 

Recruiting for the Quiverful Movement

Sara

There are many horrible men in your book, but Bill Gothard is one of the worst. You write the following: “He looked short and hawkish, and smiled like he wanted you to buy his car. His careful hair and glistening skin defied age, and I couldn’t pin him to an era. Was he as old as my dad? As old as Dr. Lindsay? I couldn’t be sure. Never married and not a father, he seemed to know a lot about how mothers should behave.” For outsiders, these glaring inconsistencies are impossible to ignore. WHY would so many people (like the Duggars) follow a single man’s pronouncements about family structure and organization when he has ZERO lived experience? 

Tia

Gothard was charismatic and appealing, great at casting a vision that appealed to the male ego. If it seems odd, remember the Pope is also a single man who pronounces how families and organizations should live. Raised Baptist, my leadership growing up was all married men with families, which I was taught was better than the Catholics. That’s why Gothard stood out to me. He has more in common with historical patriarchy than the protestant movement he cannibalized. 

Sara

Why would mothers listen to him about infant care?! If you poke just a little bit at the logic, it all crumbles. But can you explain how it feels when you’re WITHIN the system? It’s not as though people participating in cult-like fundamentalist religions lack critical thinking skills, it’s that those skills are explicitly attacked, right? 

Tia

Right. Our critical thinking skills had been shamed and shut down since we were children, even in just mainstream evangelism. We were primed to accept mothering advice from men, whether that was Dr. James Dobson, Gary Ezzo, Ted Tripp, or Bill Gothard. We believed men knew better; our instincts were dangerous and sinful, the sort of leading that resulted in Eve consuming the fatal apple. 

Sara

Can you talk a bit about how fundamentalist Christian ideology has bled into public spheres? Many of the leaders of the churches you attended throughout your time in patriarchal fundamentalism explicitly talked about accruing political influence and power, and many men in the church instructed their wives on how to vote (if they were allowed to vote at all).   

Tia

You know, from time to time I hear a conservative insist the Democrats have a deep state and an agenda to take over and I laugh at the projection. Are we congregating in libraries every Sunday? Are we plotting Supreme Court take overs with our NPR bags and cats and legalized weed? Are school lunch programs the real Holy Communion? Maybe. 

I grew up hearing who to vote for from the pulpit. I heard entire sermons on how the presidency didn’t matter as much as the court appointments, and how they’d start small, in PTA groups to rid schools of secular material, and in circuit courts with conservative judges. They told us the seminaries were full not just with a new generation of conservative pastors but also men preparing for government leadership and elected office. I’ve known about The Heritage Foundation (leading group behind Project 2025) since I was a teenager, a longstanding plan to make America a Christian nation. Please google The Seven Mountains Mandate. It’s why we have Kirk Cameron and weird movies that feel like propaganda instead of thought-provoking entertainment that encourages us to expand as a society. 

When elections are close, the women are allowed to vote, provided they don’t cancel their husband’s vote. Rare is the woman with enough moxie to lie about that and vote her way in the privacy of the voter’s booth. It’s discussed. But also rising is Head of Household voting and the end of womens’ suffrage. For the evangelical patriarchy, these concepts always remained on the table. They didn’t go away–they’ve been biding their time. 

Sara

There’s so much emphasis on marriage as a self-sustaining unit in fundamentalist patriarchal religions. You write of your first marriage: “Our marriage was now a ‘private little kingdom, secluded from view.’” I think many people think of the nuclear family ideal as being either politically neutral or a net positive, but how can it isolate people and prevent more meaningful community involvement and support? How can it hide abuse and protect abusers? One of my favorite passages in the book is one about the mycorrhizal network between trees, and the way you compared it to the web of love and friendship that sustained you outside of your marriage.

Tia

As I’ve grown older, raised my children, traveled more, and listened to survivors, I’ve become more and more suspicious of any proclamation that the nuclear family is the end-all, be-all. Single parents, queer parents, village models, matriarchies, chosen families—these all get no respect in Christian Patriarchy. But they should. So far, they have a better track record for accountability, visibility, equality, and support in the informal observations I’ve made in my life. 

The nuclear “fiefdom” I experienced makes the father king, the mother his submissive queen of a domestic domain, and the children serfs without rights. There’s no accountability. Isolation is respected. Red flags are ignored as “dirty laundry” we shouldn’t have access to. The fruit of that model is pretty rotten. Generational trauma abounds. 

I think there’s plenty of evidence available, as well as survivor testimony, to show the healthiest families consider the rights and needs of every member. They’re supported and engaged in community, with access to resources to the betterment of each individual. This is the opposite of a fundamentalist mindset because the end goal isn’t the perpetuation of an idealized system and power structure, but a thriving society where each member is healthy and actualized. 

Sara

It’s clear that patriarchy is bad for women. But there’s less attention to how it’s also terrible for men. Can you speak to that? You wrote with such empathy about your ex-husband Allan, despite having survived so much cruelty from that relationship.

Tia

Patriarchy nurtures a bully dynamic, teaching boys to disconnect from their humanity, empathy, and emotions. It hands them unsustainable amounts of power that’s dependent on the control and subjugation of others. If this isn’t their proclivity, it shames them into formation. That’s not healthy self-development and it doesn’t produce healthy men able to thrive and adapt within an equal society. 

The only way these men know how to function is in a world that serves them power on a platter, so when women claim equality, they feel threatened. How they then respond to that threat becomes the focus—are they abusive? Do they shut down? Become passive aggressive and resentful? Depressed? 

We aren’t doing our sons a favor by teaching them patriarchal attitudes and expectations. That’s not how they become better collaborators, empathetic fathers, or men with a healthy emotional range. The same narrow objectivity that’s put on women is put on men in patriarchy; it’s uniformity, not humanity. 

Sara

Throughout your abusive marriage, you were led by MANY women, both in real life, and via their teachings or books (Fascinating Womanhood was particularly horrific to read about). How does internalized misogyny play into these types of harmful ideologies? Without the complicity of women, everything would really grind to a halt, right? 

@tialevingswriterI’ve been thinking about why my informed opinion about the impact of Fascinating Womanhood continues to attract resistant comments to the tune of “well I’ve never heard of that title, so the content isn’t as pervasive as you say.” I thought last the obvious facts—that a one minute reel isn’t near long enough for a through review. That the world is big and diverse. That some denominations are more liturgical and academic, resisting antiquated patriarchal roles. When I meet one person who refuses curiosity, I move on. But when I meet a hundred non curious people who refuse to consider what harm has been done, I wonder what’s up. Here’s my theory: The less-obvious fact is that (I think) we’ve become conditioned to the overt, in your face, direct attribution. Subtlety gets lost. The patriarchs out front get the attention. The Bible study books with their weeks-long programs and outlines. The Sunday sermons. The big name preachers. The popular trends. But the patriarchs’ “weaker” vessels work in subtlety, relegated to the quiet background. They’re good at silent activity, weekday coffee meetups, ladies meetings, private forums, social media lurking, mothering, mailrooms, basement bridal and baby showers, quiet example setting. They’re able to wield incredible influence as the neck that turns the head—and we hear this echoed in survivor stories, in “support ministries” run by wives, and in church culture in general. Pastors Wife is a designated role, often with a designated seminary track. What I know from experience: they don’t cite sources. They’ll pass books and advice on the sly, in an effort to propagate their husband’s mission. But getting formal approval for a book from the elders or council, or revealing their secrets, or attracting attention is rarely going to happen. What naysayers miss when they throw up their hands is the chance to listen and learn from those harmed. And the comments are full of those stories. But church goers, not taking survivors seriously, is the real and ongoing problem. There’s more on Fascinating Womanhood in the highlights. Get my free pdf the FUNDIE CHEATSHEET, link in bio @tialevingswriter #fascinatingwomanhood #booktok #fundies

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Tia 

It would. Patriarchy can’t continue without women. We are the mothers who teach the sons. The women who enable the men. If we haven’t done our own psychological work, we’ll continue to perpetuate the very system that harms us. I think women do this because it benefits them to be near power, and it may even satisfy some of their own internal ambitions. For example, “the pastor’s wife” is a trope at this point; the strong-personality woman married to a patriarchal leader. She helps keep other women in line to please him and affirm her own lifestyle, and because she’s revered by his side, enjoys privileges other women don’t have. 

If you want to know if women are being treated equally in a church, don’t look at the token woman on the Sunday School board or to the pastor’s wife. Look in the congregation and see how they treat a single mother or a woman who chooses to work. Look at infertile women without children. Look at the poor women who can’t keep up with the trends. 

Sara

Related to my last question, when a girl is raised from infancy to view herself as less than, what chance does she have to make truly free, informed choices for herself? You quote one of the megachurch preachers from your childhood as saying the following chilling statement: “We need the hearts of your young people. Adolescents still have a pliable mind. We must get a hold of children while they’re still young.” 

Tia

It’s a hard question to answer. I’m not sure I could have done it without my early childhood outside of that church environment to fall back on. I like to think that my inner longing for freedom would’ve connected with influences outside of church, like the library and women I eventually connected with online, but I’m not sure. I hear from so many women struggling with self-worth and undeveloped self-identity. It’s pretty common in evangelicalism. 

Sara

Many trad momfluencers make “submission” look beautiful and natural. See here, here, and here. I think the ways in which momfluencers like this make patriarchy LOOK (well lit, soft, loving, joyful) has so much to do with the rise of conservatism in online spaces and I’d love your take on it. How have aesthetics made trad lifestyles aspirational? And can you share a bit about the reality of living as a devoted “helpmeet?”

Tia

Gosh, honestly trad content like that is so triggering because I would’ve been “that mom” if I’d had social media back then. They’re selling something and marketing it effectively. Those images are lovely, soft, comforting, and speak to the deeply unmet needs of the women who wanted to be loved by their fathers, by their husbands, by this world. Often trad content is criticized as “not showing the ugly parts,” even by myself, because the images are so ideal. Reality is off stage. But a deeper truth is that it’s both/and. There’s not a lot of staging in these examples. Dad is really reading to Baby. Dad is really holding surrendered Mom in a dress. Trad wife is really painting devotionals and selling her art online. These images are true. 

AND they are a perverted lie. These mothers are young and untested with teenagers. They aren’t showing their mop buckets or bruises. When the children stop smiling, the camera points at the baby who can still be coerced and doesn’t have such a vacant expression. One of those captions spoke of how Mom would never encourage her daughter to get an education or have a career—but if her daughter came to her with that desire, she'd listen. In patriarchy that’s rebellion. Children are beaten for having those thoughts. Their diaries are read. Her bogus example is unlikely to ever happen because her daughter wouldn’t be able to risk it. 

Sara

I think many women, exhausted by contemporary life, want to believe in a fantasy of a benevolent husband who leads (and magically makes all the right, most compassionate, most loving decisions) and a cherished wife who feels wholly content and at peace with her clearcut role in both marriage and life. What would you say to a patriarchal wife who reads your book, feels empathy for your experience, but still says to herself, “But MY marriage isn’t like that and I choose to be led and that’s what’s best for my family.”

Tia

Good for you. I’m truly happy for women who have happy marriages and find fulfilled expression and psychological health within their faith. They’re so lucky! I’m glad it’s working out for them and I hope it continues as their children grow into adults.

I especially love it when a trad woman tells me that this is best for her family, but that she votes to protect the freedoms of all women. Unfortunately, I never hear that story. 

My inboxes are full of “me too” messages and “can you help me” and “I thought I was the only one.” Even when a Christian comes at me with a “not all Christians” defense, she lets something slip in the telling. Either that she does believe her way is the best way for everyone, or that she discounts the lived experience of survivors, or that something in the content triggered pain for her. Triggers are information that speak to something in your past; if she’s triggered, I know I’ve struck a nerve, and it might take her time to realize why. 

But I’m not here to cheerlead the ones who think they’re doing it right. I’m here to support survivors and help break the silence. 

Sara

Do you want to plug any advocacy groups working to help women and children in abusive (fundamentalist or not) situations? I really was struck by the HOPE within your book. We know that the right is doubling down on their oppressive ideologies (both politically and culturally), but we also know that there are so many fierce women like you championing a different way to be. What makes you feel hopeful about the continued fight against patriarchy?

Tia

The brightest hope I feel is solidarity with other survivors. My deepest secrets are now topics that can be openly discussed online. That leads to freedom. It only takes one tiny spark of light to illuminate a very dark, large room. I think the more we talk, the brighter we shine. 

Area shelters and domestic violence networks are excellent and in almost every city. Trauma-informed therapy is more readily available than ever before and we have more information, education, and access than any other time in history. There are underground railroad style networks of women supporting women to freedom and hashtags linking to entire databases of therapeutic language on social media. 

I’m always looking for more resources for religious trauma, deconstruction, and healing, and I keep an ongoing, ever-under-construction list at my website.