WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT RAINS?!
Stuff to do in Cape Cod when the weather isn't beachy
A couple weeks ago, I wrote about general beach recs for long beach days. But TODAY, I’m going to share a series of Cape Cod bests for days when the weather isn’t. And a few for when the weather is. So if you’re attempting to squeeze in one final beach hurrah this Labor Day weekend, and especially if you’re currently 7 miles from the Sagamore bridge and your maps app is projecting those 7 miles to take 48 minutes, THIS IS FOR YOU.
Best place to listen to your kids complain about you not taking them to The Red Barn where they want to nurture their claw machine addiction at the arcade and fight about who is winning at mini golf: The Cedar Swamp Walk at the National Seashore. The dark, mossy cool of the cedar woods will soothe both the complaining child’s soul and the soul of the adult legally bound to that complaining child.
Accurate representation of The Red Barn as seen by a child. Best place to trigger a migraine: The Red Barn’s arcade, where you’ll take the complaining kids after the Swamp Walk because they have $19 on their card from last time it rained and you promised!!!!! (You did not promise).
Best design on a turtle’s shell 👇
Um! This turtle’s shell is ART. Best caftan to wear not only at the breezy beach but in the still, muggy house where you’ll read this book and pray that your big kids can make it through another round of Candy Land letting their little brother win because if the six-year-old doesn’t win, we all lose:
Best item of clothing to leave at home: pants that aren’t soft.
Best place to make your scared-of-thunderstorms children doubt their mother’s ability to keep them safe during a thunderstorm: Wellfleet’s The Beachcomber, which is perched at the edge of the Atlantic, and at which you and they will huddle for 48 minutes (or 48 years?!?! hard to say!!!!!) under a blustery covered deck squashed in with approximately 1,327 people while you all wait for a table. The raw bar is bomb though. So is the merch. Like, did you even go to the Cape if you didn’t pay a million dollars for a ‘Comber sweatshirt that will (at the very least) last forever?
The grace with which I take selfies knows no bounds. The memories that pop up unbidden of your time spent at the ‘Comber under drastically different circumstances are something else entirely. Like that time one of your friends vomited in the bathroom triggered by the sight of something too disgusting to mention here, or the time another friend made you and the rest of your pals wear all-white for her Beachcomber birthday party, or that time another friend hit on a bartender we all referred to as the Viking to absolutely no avail. OR that time you and your infant friends rented this vehicle to get your inebriated selves safely home.
Best hair clip that keeps thunderstorm-swept hair in place, even when your sanity is less contained (due to the three children clinging to you in abject fear over a bolt of thunder that shook both the floorboards at the Beachcomber and their faith in you as an adult). This hair clip looks extremely French (speaking of) and doesn’t fall apart like drugstore versions. I love it. Plus J.Crew offers discounts every other day so you can typically get it on sale.
Best place to play mini golf with a 4-year-old that isn’t The Red Barn or Arnold’s, which are mob scenes on every cloudy or rainy day: Poit’s (BEHOLD THIS STATE-OF-THE ART WEBSITE), which plays disarmingly soothing fifties music and sells microwave pizza for $4.95 a slice and which features a Peanuts themed tiny ride thing which requires two quarters to operate except it doesn’t work but it does eat your quarters so there’s that.
Best place to quietly and privately, mouth “fuck off” after one of your kid dramatically inhales and exhales in an effort to “stay calm” after you say “no” to his 53rd request to go to the Red Barn: behind any closed door. Or, in a pinch, behind your hand or a balled up beach towel.
Best place to risk losing your I don’t want to hold your hand six-year-old or to risk that same kid getting hit by a bike: the most touristy heart of Provincetown.
Best place to charm that same kid with dozens of shark statues: also Provincetown.
Best place to feel ensconced in joy and who-gives-a-fuck energy AND score your six-year-old a purple balloon dinosaur: again, Provincetown!
Aforementioned book being read in happier times Best place to take children for ice cream after they discover The Red Barn’s ice cream situation doesn’t open until 5PM (?!?!?!?!?!): The Landing in Eastham, which is a tiny mom and pop with zero lines and which carries a flavor of ice cream called Cookie Monster. It’s chocolate ice cream with Oreo chunks AND cookie dough. Brilliant, no?
Best place to hiss at your 6-year-old to stop bouncing his new bouncy ball and to hiss at your older kids to stop attempting to carry 39 books at once to the car: the Eastham Public Library. Legit though, this is one of my favorite libraries of all time. Sunny, airy, woody, beautiful.
Best place to buy deliciously cozy sweatshirts you certainly don’t need that isn’t the Beachcomber: Nauset Surf.
Best time to say “sure” to your kids requesting ice pops: 7:37AM before you’ve had a cup of tea because you’re on vacation and you’re sleeping IN.
Best place to circle first-come-first-serve seats in the outdoor bar area like a goddamn shark surrounded by dozens of other sharks doing the same thing: Mac’s Shack in Wellfleet. They also have a famously sublime spicy margarita, excellent shishito peppers, and a huge selection of sushi rolls. OH and a fried chicken sandwich smothered in some sort of divine aioli and a mess of pickled veggies.
Best place to eat nachos covered in both melted cheese AND a cheese sauce: The Pearl.
Best chowder if you like leeks: Mac’s Market. Best chowder if you don’t: Winslow’s.
Best time to tell your kids you’re no longer available for comment instead of telling them to fuck off when they bring up The Red Barn for the 3,742nd time: ANY TIME. I like to do it in the car, on the couch, or in the shower. It’s an activity that pairs well with any location or situation.
Best sunset.
That library looks gorgeous!