Hormone Control For Glass Skin Witches

The divine feminine as imagined by AI

I am not going to analyze the following brand because my skills in this case are entirely superfluous. I am here today only to aggregate facts and present these facts objectively.

I am Frøya, goddess of love and life,
Of beauty, fertility, death, and strife.
The force that makes all things bloom and grow,
A silent guide through what none can know.

Queen of witches, survivor of fate,
The chooser of valiant, both early and late.
I wield the magic to shape what’s to be,
The most powerful goddess, wild and free.

There’s nothing I love more than nonsensical ad copy. See here, here, and OF COURSE, here. Usually, I revel in each word, making a satirical meal of every line. Today though, I’m but a conduit between one utterly unhinged, vaguely Nazi-esque skincare website and you, dear reader.

Are you “the woman you were born to be” ???? Not unless you’ve absorbed the teachings of this lady, who is NOT a model hired to pose as a fertility doctor/witch/embodiment of gender essentialist Aryan womanhood, but is in fact, an immortal goddess who has been hated by “the church” (“a thousand years ago,” to be exact), “big pharma, industrial skincare” AND “the people they pay off to hate me today.”

There are two heroes in the Frøya Organics story: one is a beautiful blonde sorceress whose greatest mission is to convince me to buy Anti-Age and Insane Glow Day Balm for $39.00 because otherwise how can I meet my feminine destiny?

The other is a biohacking good time Charlie who REALLY wants you to have nightmares about microplastics and seed oils. And who seems to enjoy “shredding.”

Here are some claims made by Frøya skincare, all of which are impossibly lofty, most of which contradict each other, and some of which require magical thinking. And/or a working knowledge of fake Norwegian gods and goddesses.