I want this balm

Because Jenni Kayne wants me to want this balm

There is no ad campaign that has occupied more space in my brain (absolutely rent-free) than the ad campaign for Oak Essentials Moisture Rich Balm (Oak Essentials is owned by Jenni Kayne, a brand best known for their status sweaters, which are often worn to great effect by momfluencers. I do not own one, but as a sweater-head, I want one).

I also want this motherfucking $88 balm.

The Moisture Rich Balm appears to be a thick ointment not totally unlike Vaseline or Aquaphor except it promises to instantly make your skin more youthful, less wrinkly, and to impart an ever-important glow. If you’re not glowing, are you even living? As I watch multiple hand models have their way with the Balm, my mind wanders and I find myself thinking the Balm resembles sunshine and I want it.

The Balm can’t quite decide if it’s pro-makeup or anti-makeup, since Jenni Kayne herself says she doesn’t like the look of makeup (but loves the Balm), and the model/influencer in this clip loves the Balm and tells us the Balm makes it look like you’re wearing makeup.

I’m not sure if I want this Balm because it will make me look like I’m wearing makeup (which must be the type of makeup that gives one a “no-makeup” look), because it will eradicate my need for makeup, or because it will make my skin look like naked skin in which case, my naked skin would not only be aesthetically preferable according to this ad’s logic but also far cheaper. Despite the makeup plot holes, I still want this balm.

According to Jenni, the Balm was created as an attempt to recreate her facialist’s custom balm. As a good little consumer, I know that custom things are superior to non-custom things and I want in on the secret. The facialist obviously was the “super natural and clean” kind (as opposed to the “unnatural” and “dirty” kind). Sidenote: how can one differentiate between “super natural” and “natural?” I need to know. Look at Jenni’s sweater. Look at her palpable sense of calm. I want this balm.

Jenni’s facialist apparently practiced some cranial sacral therapy which was great for Jenni’s jaw tension but irrelevant to the Balm’s abilities, which, because the Balm is not a facialist or even a massage therapist, are necessarily limited. The Balm does and is many things, but it lacks an opposable thumb. Nonetheless, I want this balm.

Even if the Balm can’t unlock your jaw, it is “the answer to what [Jenni] was missing” so if that’s not good enough for you, honey, nothing will be. Jenni lives a white couch lifestyle and I don’t live a white couch lifestyle but I want this balm.

After Jenni explains why the Balm will make you glow AND be the answer to anything nebulously absent from your life, a woman who probably filmed the Oak Essentials ad in the afternoon after filming an ad for Neutrogena’s Clean and Clear line in the morning comes onscreen with her poreless, lineless skin to explain that the Balm (not, for example, her age) is responsible for her poreless, lineless skin.

And I can see from this screen grab that the Balm will totally work to smooth out foreheads that are already smooth. I am being sold on anti-aging properties by someone half my age and yet, I want this balm.

Is a smooth forehead important to you? If not, don’t you think it SHOULD BE?!

In case the 19-year-old waxing poetic about her forehead elevens hasn’t yet convinced you, the 41-year-old who can’t stop won’t stop choosing to believe in this ad, that a youthful appearance should be pursued at all costs, maybe her assurance that the Balm has made her youthful skin look youthful WILL.

I just spent the last couple of hours writing a satirical response to an ad based on the premise that the ad is ridiculous and yet I still want this balm which is proof that skincare and beauty ads don’t need to make an ounce of sense for them to be effective!

Related reading

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The Gospel of Wellness.

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