I'm a good mom, not a great mom

Boxed mac 'n cheese with Farideh

This newsletter is about (among other things!) the myth of the Ideal Mom™, and there are few creatives lambasting the absurdity of such a construct in a more satisfying way than Farideh.

I’ve you’ve ever listened to

Cult of Perfect

, you are already familiar with Farideh’s work because she graciously let us use her song, “Good Mom” as our musical opener for each episode. I love it so much!

My kid only eats macaroni

Her face is always looking at a screen

I rarely read her books before bed

And I often forget to brush her teeth

Farideh’s blend of honesty, hilarity, and beautiful songwriting paints one of the most comprehensive pictures of Real Motherhood™ you can find online. It’s a motherhood laced through with bodily fluids, belly laughs, and stunning moments of vulnerability. I’m so delighted to share our conversation.

Sara

Tell us about your background! You’re a gifted singer, a gifted comic, and you use both of these talents to drill down into so many essential truths of motherhood. I’m hard pressed to think of any creators who possess your specific combination of delight? 

Farideh

This whole experience has been an unexpected turn in my career. I thought my 20 year music career was over. I used to tell jokes on stage between songs - but I’ve never seen myself as a comedian. As a musician I was always told to never write about motherhood because there is nothing less sexy or cool. To the folks who love me, what I am doing now is an obvious career pivot, but to me, it has felt like the greatest surprise of my life.

Weeks before the pandemic shut down I decided to quit my band of 9 years. I couldn’t see a future for myself as a woman approaching 40 and a mom in an industry that glorifies youth. I was on the road 100 days a year and I couldn’t keep leaving my kid. I started sharing stories and skits online as I searched for my next career path. It did not even cross my mind to write funny songs because I had so firmly walked away from my music career.

Maybe I’ll be an influencer, I thought. That idea died quickly when I remembered I don’t like owning or buying things. I couldn’t style an outfit or my living room if my life depended on it. I do take the odd brand deal but I have to actually like it and believe in it, which is why I did two deals in 2023.

After two years of consistently making content, I had only grown my account to 3,000 Instagram followers and still had no vision or clarity for my future career path. I enrolled in a comedy class because I figured I probably just wasn’t funny enough to be a content creator.

In that comedy class, my mentor asked me to write about motherhood. I was so resistant. I didn’t want to be old, unattractive and irrelevant! Isn’t that what motherhood is? Ha! I had internalized the agism and misogyny from my music industry mentors so much that I truly felt cringy at first even thinking about writing about motherhood. Sure, a man can get away with having children, but a woman? Career suicide. 

I’m a people pleaser at heart, so I did what my comedy mentor told me to do and wrote some ideas about motherhood. Once I started writing, I found a treasure trove of inspiration (aka love, trauma, and exhaustion). I also learned that the best comedians use ALL their abilities and I was leaving my music at the door. I wrote the song “You are such a good dad” and when I posted the video, it went viral.

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Farideh on Instagram: “Such a good dad is available in all streaming platforms ;) #fairplay #momcomedy #momlife #momlifebelike”

February 5, 2024

That song gave me vision for my next career. Which turns out, is basically the same career I’ve always been pursuing - just now with more funny.

Sara

How do you deal with follower comments and, like, people engaging with your work in bad faith? There’s a comment on your (obviously hilarious) Father’s Day post in which you sing about the glory of vasectomies, and I noted a comment that said: “Vasectomies cause cancer, mama. Look a little deeper. ❤️”

And - I kinda can’t?! Has your strategy (for dealing with social media unpleasantness) shifted at all as your platform has grown? 

Farideh

Ha! That was quite the comment. Before I went viral, I was worried about how I would handle the trolls. I surprised myself when I discovered that I don’t care. Apparently being 40 gives me a leg up in the social media landscape because my opinion of myself and my work does not hinge on the approval of others. You won’t see me clapping back.  I don’t see it as my job to educate, or set someone straight. When I ask myself if I need to defend myself or provide context, the words that well up from my heart is “I said what I said and I meant what I said.” I leave it to others to fight in my comment section, if they should choose. 

The only time my zen approach to troll comments is challenged is when folks think my songs about the mental load or division of labor are about my husband. Comments like “divorce him” and “i’m glad my husband is better than yours” sting a little more because thats not a fair reflection on him. Our marriage has been a journey - just as all marriages are when children are brought into the mix. I draw upon my experience in our early days of parenting, the patterns I see in society and the lives and challenges of my friends. Because of this, I sometimes will provide clarity and more recently, I’ve included him in more videos so my audience can see that he also understands the joke and humor in these songs. 

Sara

I FEEL SEEN. What topics have you covered that have garnered the most “holy shit thank you for talking about this” reactions?

Farideh

The mental load and mom guilt are always hot topics that resonate. I think so little of truth of motherhood is reflected in the public sphere that really anything I write seems to make people feel seen. 

Sara

A lot of your content is about diet culture, and I think there’s a very clear intersection between Ideal Motherhood™ and Ideal Bodies™, but maybe it’s one that’s not often explored?

Farideh

We measure a “good mom” by so many different standards - our bodies are just one of those standards. The pressures to get back to the pre-baby weight or comments like “she let herself go” are all too common for moms. And as women, I suspect we’re all so used to critiques of our bodies that we don’t necessarily reflect on how body standards are also used as a measurement of “good motherhood.”

Earlier this year I was seeing all these videos of moms working out and the overlaid sound referenced a study saying something along the lines of “ a child’s future fitness levels can be predicted by the fitness of their mother.” The mothers who made the video content meant well - they were saying “I’m doing this for my kid.” However, I saw these videos and wanted to scream. What does a mom who can pursue fitness, have? Secure housing, access to nutrition, childcare, money for running shoes or clothes and on and on and on. Of course the health outcomes of children in those situations will do better! But what moms see when they encounter those videos is yet ANOTHER thing to add to their to-do list, another standard to which she’ll never measure up.

Sara

In a post from 2021, you wrote: “I'm trying to make this an account that makes you laugh or sometimes makes you cry (in a good cry kinda way). Either way, i hope it is something that adds a lightheartedness to your day cause the world is a bit heavy.” There are SO MANY motherhood accounts that do not strive for these same goals lol. Do you have any personal momfluencer kryptonite you just can’t quit (for better or worse), and/or which motherhood accounts do you consume and enjoy?

Farideh

I did not realize, until you asked this question, that I do not follow momfluencers or mom creators. I do draw inspiration from artists like Mary Catherine Star at MomLife Comics, and educators like Laura Danger of ThatDarnChat but they’re commenting on societal patterns, not reflecting an image of motherhood.

My personal influencer kryptonite is women who travel alone in a van and own nothing. “Let me give you a tour of my one sink, one bed and my closet that has 2 pairs of pants.” I’m not saying I wanna live that life, but it makes me feel free.

My gift is that I can articulate emotions that other people can’t find the words for. I can make people feel seen and heard and so I leverage those talents in my songwriting and social media content. If my friend is upset because her husband tells her he just “needs a list” and she’s not sure why it makes her angry. I take that feelings and I give them words in a song  like “Make a List” featuring my inner rage demon. 

The algorithm does try to draw me in with content from women like Hannah at Ballerina Farm, and I have found myself ten videos deep trying to decipher if it is satire or real. I just leave those videos feeling a bit suspicious and thinking “Wow, she must really like baking bread.”

Sara

As a knitter, I feel attacked lol. What inspired your crafting content? SO GOOD.

Farideh

Teasing is my love language. I come from a community of crafters.  Most of my friends love to craft. My kid loves to craft. I made that content to make fun of all the crafters in my life who have incredible talents but who also are absolutely stabbing and hooking their yarn as a way to disassociate.

Sara

Pointing out that laundry is never-ending is not necessarily a revelation, but why do you think content like this feels so good to consume? (Asking as someone for whom this video was a balm to my laundry-fatigued soul!)

Farideh

Here’s my secret (tell no one): I don’t hate laundry. I do it 2x a week, a few loads each time. I let the clean pile fall on the floor and leave it there aaallll week for us to grab our fresh underwear from. But my songs aren’t just for me or about my life. 

I write about the lives of the mothers who follow me, and those moms HATE laundry. They LOATH laundry. I wrote this song for them. I asked my Instagram followers “what exactly do you hate about laundry” and hundreds of people responded with “It just never ends” and thus, a song was born!

I think a song like Laundry feels good to hear because its true and when you hear it you know you’re not the only one.

Moms are still invisible to most of the world, so a song like Laundry says “I see you.”

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Farideh on Instagram

February 5, 2024

Sara

Recently, I wrote a piece interrogating my love of products with “girl” in the title or description, and it struck me that maybe one of the reasons there aren’t more songs about motherhood is the same reason most beauty products aren’t marketed towards women. Motherhood and womanhood imply a closure, or like, the end of potential or of interest. Right? Clearly it’s fucked up as any woman above 40 or any human who has nurtured human life knows, but why do you think this messaging persists? 

Farideh

I think we’re just not as far along on the journey of the equality of men and women as we think. The messaging persists because we’re only a few steps down the path. It’s going to take the momfluencers cleaning up with the brand deals to show that women are a market. It’s going to take women like Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Aniston funding their own opportunities because the stories of women after 40 aren’t being funded.

Sara

The “good dad” trope is pretty universally maddening. Do you think DADS can do something to change the conversation about both “good dads” AND “good moms?” 

Farideh

Whenever a man says “I’m not babysitting, I’m parenting” an angel gets her wings. Being an active father does a lot to change the conversation. The more men are out in public being parents, the more we’ll start to see this as normal and not exceptional.

As for how to change the conversations around “good moms,” a lot of our unrealistic  standards around motherhood is upheld by mothers. While yes, I think men can do work here, I also think many of us have partners who are saying “you can do less!” and we can’t hear it because we’re worried that we’ll be judged or we’ll damage our kids if we don’t do it perfectly.

Sara

I am so heartened to see many maternal taboos lambasted by creators like you, but what taboos surrounding motherhood feel most stubbornly entrenched? What are we still afraid to talk about or still ashamed to name?

Farideh

“Good Mom” leads with how I’m failing as a parent. “I’m a good mom, not a perfect mom.” When I posted the video, the internet lost their shit. It was mostly moms completely freaked out by me saying “I rarely read her books before bedtime” as though I was condoning abuse.

We’re desperately afraid to admit we’re not parenting perfectly. Oh sure, maybe we’ll admit that our houses aren’t always clean. But our kids don’t eat vegetables and we gave up trying? No. We keep that little shameful secret to ourselves.

I understand why we don’t share our struggles with the world though. The people who try to police my parenting in my comment section on Instagram are some poor woman’s family members and friends. While we know the standards are of motherhood impossible to achieve, we’re still ashamed we can’t meet those standards.