Men Find Babygirl "Rather Silly"
This Woman Not Shocked
In Babygirl, a middle aged woman played by Nicole Kidman who “has it all” (doting husband, two children, a big C-suite job), risks it “all” for her long unmet desires. To be sexually satisfied, yes. But also to find respite from the pressures of performance, and from a brain that keeps her entire kingdom of “all” running smoothly. To find the release of pure, corporeal feeling. Babygirl is a movie about a woman who is tired of being control.
There is nothing remotely surprising that a woman who has such a tight grip on the reigns of her life would want to be undone by a relationship which removes that control.
But it’s not just millionaire executive mothers and wives who might crave a break from control as a way to feel closer to the core of themselves and their desires. It’s arguably every woman who has cobbled together a life premised on the necessity of adhering to societal constructs of womanhood. This might not result in a preference for daddy kink and the decision to embark upon a risky affair with a younger subordinate from work (as it does for Nicole Kidman’s character in Babygirl). But I think the mothers and wives I’ve talked to about Babygirl concluded the movie mostly with nods of recognition (rather than giggles or gasps of shock) because the roles of both Mother and Wife are roles rooted in the control of women. Of our bodies. Of our desires. Of our lives. There’s nothing funny about that. And unfortunately, there’s nothing shocking about that either.
Control is not the same thing as power, a distinction the movie teases throughout. Power implies action and agency. It implies individuality. Control (as I see it) can be successfully wielded even if one’s truest self is locked up and hidden away. A life can be controlled (by oneself!) and still feel small. An empowered life, on the other hand, implies a certain level of uncompromised personal authenticity.
While I’m not suggesting that every mother in a heterosexual marriage loves (or should love) Babygirl, I do think that most of us can find at least a kernel of appreciation for Romy’s desire to exist separately from the scaffolding of the feminized roles she embodies. And yes, of course, people who aren’t mothers and aren’t wives can also certainly relate to this desire to locate the rawest, most essential part of themselves outside of identity trappings.
The people least likely to be burdened by mandates on how to be (in public AND in private) are, of course, men. And as soon as I saw Babygirl, I knew that men would also be the group of people most likely to misunderstand the movie; I knew there would be a rush of bad (sexist? reductive? belittling? all of the above?) takes.
