My Favorite Thing I Ever Wrote

I'm Only Half Kidding

A little over a year ago, the most entertaining headline generator of all time, the conservative ladies’ mag, Evie, broke the internet. Or at least, they broke MY internet. The good people at Evie accumulated their combined doctorates in fashion, history, sociology, and of course, lactose, and created the most culturally coherent sartorial art object that’s ever seen the light of day.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ZOOM IN ON THAT WARNING.

I am talking OF COURSE, about the Raw Milkmaid Dress. The least cooked of all dresses. The most uncensored of all dresses. The most stunning translation of 17th century working class France ever available for purchase.

At this point in my career, I’ve written two books, one of which is not yet published. I’ve spent weeks and months mired in research. I’ve interviewed countless experts. I’ve done meticulous reporting. And yes, I’m proud of what this work has netted. But until the Raw Milkmaid Dress, never had my fingers danced so effortlessly and merrily across my keyboard. Never have they since.

SO. If you missed my love letter to the unhinged geniuses at Evie magazine the first time around, don’t make the same mistake twice. Free subscribers, I’m removing the paywall for this one, so if you like this this sort of mad intersection between research and all caps outrage, you can upgrade here. Thank you!

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I am BEAMING as I write this. Actually grinning with unadulterated glee. I probably look like I’m Zooming with a long lost lover or being told I just won the lottery. BUT NO FRIENDS. Today I’m attempting to put my my racing thoughts about the new Evie RAW MILKMAID DRESS into words. It’s my party and you’re all invited.

Let’s discuss the copy on the above ad. SHALL WE?!

“Raw milk from healthy cows has lots of enzymes, probiotics, and vitamins. It tastes richer and creamier, and it’s easier to digest. But in some states, raw milk is illegal. So if you can’t drink it, at least dress like you do by wearing the Raw Milkmaid Dress.”

And then!!!!! “Warning: Wearing this dress may get you arrested for being too hot.”

I AM SO DELIGHTED WITH THIS COPY GUYS.

Before I continue, definitely listen to caro claire burke and Katie Gatti Tassin break down this now deleted Instagram story (truly RIP) on their podcast, Diabolical Lies, here. It’s so good. Also read me and Caro assess Ballerina Farm’s relationship to Evie, the Raw Milkmaid Dress, and Daniel’s highly debatable “RIZ” here.

ANYWAY. The MAHA framing of raw milk as a superfood? Glorious. The idea that DRESSING LIKE A RAW MILK STAN somehow involves an inordinate amount of cleavage and a fake fucking corset? CHEF’S KISS. The gentle little libertarian nod to the legality and FREEDOM of raw milk consumption? Beautiful. And then the sentence that truly could’ve been written with more grace by a Captain Underpants-loving kindergartener and honestly might have been written by a cast member of Jackass: “This dress may get you arrested for being too hot.” EVIE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH NEVER CHANGE.

Tragically, this ad never made it to the Evie Insta grid, and the official association with Ballerina Farm turns out to be a mere pipe dream. But fear not all who long to fuck around with areola exposure at preschool pickup, the Evie RAW MILKMAID DRESS is real. And it’s EVERYTHING.

Am I depressed they lost the milk mustache? Obviously. Did they make up for it with copy that has plunged me into such a deep rabbit hole researching the nationalistic madonna/whore anxiety that has historically been tied to the milkmaid since literal Marie fucking Antoinette that I might have to write my next book about it? YES YES YES.

Ahem.

“Designed in the French countryside and inspired by the hardworking dairymaids of 17th century Europe, the Raw Milkmaid Dress is handmade with luxurious organic cotton and 100% feminine energy.”

I MIGHT COMBUST I’M SO HAPPY.

First of all, I’ll pay the cost of a RAW MILK DRESS to the milkmaid who finds me a single person involved in the design of this dress, which is pretty much identical to the SCADS of milkmaid dresses currently being peddled by Doen, Christy Dawn, and like, SHEIN.

If this “designer” isn’t AI I’ll apply for a job at Evie. The only version of “designed in the French countryside” I’ll entertain is the Hugobooms (Mr. and Mrs. Evie) sunbathing at a resort in Antibes with their buddy Peter Thiel and asking ChatGTP to design them a French milkmaid dress. I’m sorry - a RAW MILKMAID DRESS.

Then of course we have the grammar of it all. The RAW MILKMAID DRESS. We’re not talking about A DRESS THAT IMPLIES YOU LIKE DRINKING RAW MILK. We’re talking about an uncooked milkmaid. We could theoretically be talking about a dress made from the skin (sorry raw skin) of a milkmaid who’s never been stewed, sautéed, or steamed. We’re certainly implying raw dogging it in order to produce [white] babies and help to quell J.D. Vance’s pronatalist anxiety. And we’re not NOT talking about breastfeeding those babies because there are milk jugs and there are jugs.

I AM SO HAPPY.

But omg I’m so sorry my mistake Evie has clarified that the RAW MILKMAID DRESS is actually made (oopsie daisy “HANDMADE”) from “luxurious organic cotton.” So now we know! No milkmaids were harmed in the production of the RAW MILKMAID DRESS!

I will die never fully understanding what Evie writers mean when they say “feminine energy,” and the use of “100%” will forever haunt me. Sure, this could be a boring transphobic dog whistle. But maybe it’s something more poetic than that! Maybe “feminine energy” is a real, quantifiable thing and maybe there’s such a thing as like 72% feminine energy. Maybe the feminine energy I’m currently employing in order to write this screed is only 8%, which is why I’ll never pull off a RAW MILKMAID DRESS? I DON’T KNOW. I’LL NEVER KNOW. Some things are meant to be mysteries.

It should be clear by now that I’ve saved the best for last.

“Inspired by the hardworking dairymaids of 17th century Europe.”

Let’s take a closer look at the garment in question, shall we?!?!?!?!?!?!

Not only does the RAW MILKMAID DRESS come in Lactaid White, it also comes in “Sugarfield Floral” (yikes not loving where my brain goes upon hearing that!!!!!), “Wildflower Blue,” “Golden Girl Floral,” and the one pictured above, aptly named “Cotton Candy Floral.”

Shout-out to fellow momfluencer scholar, Kathryn Jezer-Morton for this gold star reply to the Evie post.

SURE WASN’T!!!!!

Not only is Evie fetishizing a physically demanding, disenfranchised, working-class lifestyle a la our girl Marie Antoinette, they’re also revealing the fact that they never considered googling “17th century European milkmaid,” because if they did, they’d see a couple images that might have made them reconsider their FLAWLESS COPY.

Grab a raw milk latte and join me in a whimsical skip down milkmaid memory lane.

Let’s begin with the famed Vermeer painting, created in the mid 1600s. As you can clearly see, the milkmaid pictured here is more or less wearing a RAW MILKMAID DRESS in “Cotton Candy Pink.” Same same.

From the painter Jean-Siméon Chardin, who was particularly interested in painting members of the working class, we’ve got this portrait of two women engaged in domestic labor painted in the mid 1700s. And holy shit they’re BOTH wearing RAW MILKMAID DRESSES.

We’ve got this fun-lovin’ gal, who is having a wonderful time in her RAW MILKMAID DRESS.

And as this comely milkmaid illustrates, “luxurious organic cotton” is the PERFECT material for a dress best suited for barn chores. The manure washes RIGHT out.

What I’m trying to say is that Evie employs MANY HISTORIANS at Evie HQ. As you can plainly see, they nailed the general cut of the milkmaid dress, which is virtually identical to its historical predecessors. Yes, milkmaids wanted their tits falling into their milk jugs, and yes I am legally obligated to reference jugs whenever possible in this academic treatise.

I have no notes for the “designers” who were “inspired” by the “hardworking” milkmaids from yesteryear when it comes to the overall LOOK of the RAW MILKMAID DRESS, but I’m dismayed to have to report that these “designers” might have done a WEE BIT less well with the color palette. Poor people in the 17th century were rarely able to afford dye, and relied on natural dyes for their clothing, which tended to be in the brown, gray, or tan family. They CERTAINLY weren’t kneeling on dirt floors as they milked as many as twenty cows at a time in fanciful organic cotton floral patterns. And as for the color pink?!?!?!?! Red dye (critical for creating “Cotton Candy Pink”) was made from fucking bugs found in Mexican cacti (AND THEN IMPORTED SUPER EASILY AND CHEAPLY TO PLACES LIKE THE FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE) in the 17th century so like, I’m having a sorta hard time imagining milkmaids of yore having enough money, time, or honestly life expectancy to be wearing “Cotton Candy Pink.”

I really want to go on and on about how milkmaids have been historically linked to nationalistic purity panics AND historically sexualized and tell you more about “pleasure dairies.” But legit I might need to actually write a book about this depending on how long I remain in this particular rabbit hole, from whence I emailed a professor friend a link to an article entitled “Milkmaids, Ploughmans, and Sex In the 18th Century,” and begged him to send it to me.

BACK TO THE BUSINESS AT HAND.

We can all agree that the RAW MILKMAID DRESS is a historically accurate masterpiece and that the average conservative reader Evie is allegedly trying to target with their content would absolutely gad about town braless. Because when I think MAGA womanhood, I definitely think RAW MILKMAID DRESS and tits-out necklines, not, for example, this ⬇️

Actually maybe Katie Britt WOULD host her next kitchen table summit in a RAW MILKMAID DRESS.

To close (because we really must), I’d like to spend a little time in the comments of the RAW MILKMAID DRESS announcement post.

Katie Sorensen is one of the thousands of women who commented “dress” in order to be sent a secret super exclusive and special link to the RAW MILKMAID DRESS. Katie Sorensen of Michael’s parking lot fame! You know, the Michael’s (as in the craft store chain) parking lot where Katie falsely accused a Latino couple shopping for their grandkids of attempting to kidnap her children.

Katie was later convicted of making a false police report. She disappeared from the social media limelight for a hot minute, before coming back with an utterly incomprehensible barrage of posts in which she passionately tells “her side of the story.” It should surprise zero people that Katie’s hot for Evie, but KATIE HONEY JUST GOOGLE “MILKMAID DRESS” THEY’RE EVERYWHERE.

I ADORE how Evie is responding to the brave souls offering their gentle critiques of the RAW MILKMAID DRESS. Instead of responding to any such comments, Evie interns are blithely replying “sent!” as though the commenters want the dress. I love it so much.

A few commenters had some practical questions about the RAW MILKMAID DRESS.

Some commenters had queries about the color white. I can report that the white RAW MILKMAID DRESS is “crisp white” not “a bit of ivory” in case that was the sticking point preventing you from living your best milkmaid life and commenting “dress.”

Another commenter asked if Evie might considering making a dress more suited to large breasts, to which Evie reassuringly said this:

Attention nursing mamas! In case you missed this critical data point earlier in my esteemed essay, the RAW MILKMAID DRESS will totally work for your engorged, leaking boobs!!!!!!! FINALLY THE SOLUTION YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

FUNCTIONAL FUNCTIONAL FUNCTIONAL FUNCTIONAL FUNCTIONAL.

Potential RAW MILKMAID DRESS shoppers ⬇️

Guys, I would LOVE to keep going, but for now, I’ll leave you with this comment by one of Evie’s male followers, who seems like a real gem.

alec_david_ NEVER CHANGE.