New moms don't need READING LISTS
It’s been several months since my WTFs have appeared weekly in your inboxes, but when this found its way into my inbox, I had no choice but to take fingertips to keypad and get to work.
My most concise response to this Instagram post by some company called Headway is simply, “No.”
No, do not offer new mothers ANY sort of reading lists whatsoever.
No, do not compile a list of books ABOUT PARENTING for people still possibly bleeding from the act of BECOMING A PARENT.
No, the “thing no one tells you” when you become a mother is that reading thirty 15 minute book summaries (?????) about PARENTING and PARENTHOOD will simply make you feel even more emotionally unstable and informationally overwhelmed than you felt prior to reading those 30 summaries, which, if you’re like, an 11-day-old mother, is pretty fucking emotionally unstable and informationally overwhelmed.
No, if Running on Empty isn’t a collection of New Yorker cartoons or a page ripped out of the coffee machine manual and collecting dust in the bottom drawer of mismatched Tupperware in my kitchen I don’t want it anywhere near me or my Extra Super Overnight pads.
No, unless Untangled is the sequel to Tangled and is an animated movie complete with buttered popcorn instead of a parenting book I don’t want to read, go away.
No, do not suggest a fucking book about “no-drama discipline” to someone whose child can’t quite figure out how to burp yet.
No, do not burden new moms with FUTURE STRESS about the “toxic parents” they’ll meet out in the parent-verse when their primary concern is keeping a new human alive.
LOL, NO, my kid can’t even hold up his head without assistance and his food source is currently my body so I’m not exactly burning up with fervid desire to read a book about him being SELF-DRIVEN.
No, what’s Too Much and Not Even Close To Good Enough, is this godforsaken list.
No, do NOT feed into the neuroses of new moms by implying that they might do anything in these first 30 days of parenthood to impact their children’s SUCCESS (WHICH MEANS WHAT EXACTLY?!?!?!)
No, do not bring up Bringing up Bebe. Aside from the oeuvre of Dr. S****, no book did more damage to my new parent soul than that cursed tome. “Le pause” can truly go straight to hell on the sleep-training horse it rode in on.
No, new parents don’t want to read about the ways in which social media might lead to eating disorders and self-esteem issues for their wrinkly newborns in 15 years!!!!!!
No, new moms aren’t particularly concerned with “having a new kid by Friday” because THEY HAVE A BRAND NEW KID RIGHT NOW.
No, new moms don’t have time to think about what to expect in the first year because they’re still getting used to what to expect in the first goddamn week!
No, unless The Explosive Child is a laundry manual about how to get rid of neon poop stains, get it out of my fucking face.
No, don’t suggest a book with the word “battlefield” in the title to a new mom who is currently on the front lines OF HER OWN PERSONAL BATTLEFIELD.
No, don’t bring up BRAINS to new parents unless it’s the punchline of a zombie knock-knock joke you quickly delivered after dropping off three frozen lasagnas, folding three piles of laundry, doing three loads of dishes, and holding the new baby for three fucking hours so the new mom can SLEEP INSTEAD OF READ.
No, if The Montessori Toddler isn’t an episode title of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, please see the door and DO let it hit you on the way out.
No, new moms don’t need to be told that their choice to become a parent will lead to a life of “all joy and no fun” because guess what? The existential terror they’re feeling AS NEW MOMS is already sort of telling them that?!?!?!?!
No, “the thing no one told you” Headway, is that new moms DO NOT WANT PARENTING BOOKS. They want warm banana bread slathered in butter. And maybe a copy of Us Weekly.
No, Headway, you can’t be serious when you tell me your Instagram bio reads: “fun and easy growth.” This reading list is not fun nor is it easy!!!!!!!
And finally, no, new moms don’t need to be encouraged to “dare, greatly” because they’re doing that already just by existing.
Here is a snippet of a Facebook chat convo that held me together as a new mom for the good people over at Headway if they’d like a little insight into the thoughts, needs, feelings, and desires of real New Moms.
New mothers deserve golden crowns, delicious food, endless validation, and soft fabric. They need spoonfuls of Nutella and bags of salt and vinegar chips NOT READING LISTS. However, here is a list of SIX (not fucking 30!!!!!!!!) books I enjoyed occasionally leafing through in the blurry haze of postpartum life NONE OF WHICH HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH PARENTING.