The gift that never stops giving

Christy Dawn ads

An Analysis of Christy Dawn’s Implicit (Explicit?) Rationale for Buying a Whimsical Floral Dress

• Buy this whimsical floral dress if you want to “honor mother earth” even though the best way to “honor mother earth” would be to refrain from purchasing a new item of clothing in the first place, the making and shipping of which necessitates taxing an already burnt out “mother earth” and her quickly diminishing resources.

“Honor” is a pretty word. Confusing consumerism with ecological activism is fun too!

• Buy this whimsical floral dress because the specific flowers featured on the fabric apparently have healing properties which will 100% not be imparted to you via the purchase of this whimsical flora dress.

• Buy this whimsical floral dress to “carry the wisdom and medicine depicted on it.” You might glance at the above dress and think to yourself, “Looks like a dress with some blue flowers on it,” but actually it’s a dress depicting Wisdom and Medicine. I feel wiser and more medicated just knowing this insider intel! Do you?!

• Buy this whimsical floral dress because “Mother Earth provides everything we need” except whimsical floral dresses which you have to buy from Christy Dawn for anywhere between $198 - $498.

• Buy this whimsical floral dress because Oat Straw has been traditionally been boiled up into a tincture to help relieve stress. This whimsical floral dress is a whimsical floral dress not an Oat Straw tincture, but don’t you want to “wear your medicine” rather than “take your medicine?” Infinitely more subtle. Other girls take Zoloft, but you, a girl decidedly not like the other girls, wear a whimsical floral dress.

• Buy this whimsical floral dress because it’s printed with pretty images of Calendula flowers, which, when ingested, might have anti-inflammation properties. This whimsical floral dress is a whimsical floral dress not a cup of Calendula tea, but it’s important to understand when wearing this dress that “Our Wildflower Bouquet print shares the medicine of Mother Earth.” IT MATTERS THAT YOU KNOW YOU’RE NOT SIMPLY WEARING A WHIMSICAL FLORAL DRESS BUT THAT YOU ARE TAKING A STAND.

• Buy this dress because when wearing this dress people will tacitly understand that you are well versed in field botany. And this will make your life better.

• Buy this whimsical floral dress because you don’t want to be the type of person who thinks the future is DEGENERATIVE, do you?

I didn’t think so.

PS: I am panting with anticipation for the marketing of Mother’s Day this year, and you can celebrate this mama in your life by forwarding me all the ads promising to “give mom some me-time in the form of artisanal linen sock drawer organizers.” PLEASE send me the bullshit as it comes in. You can reply to any newsletters or fill out this form.

Cathartic snark awaits.