The scariest story you'll ever hear
The unmitigated horror of S*mMer C**mP sign-ups
Friends, I write to you as a former shell of myself. Today, I signed up for summer camp.
Before we continue, I must post a HUGE content warning for:
gendered expectations of labor
our country’s sweet notion that children don’t require childcare during in June, July, and August
our country’s adorable idea that all families include an adult who can devote HERself entirely to childcare in June, July, and August
our country’s complete disregard for families who cannot afford to pay WHATEVER IT COSTS for swimming/kayaking/painting/soccer/metalsmithing/slime/CHILDCARE in June, July, and August
online forms
every single symptom of flight or flight
an excruciating level of detail
a shocking lack of perspective
If you’d like a less EMOTIONAL (it’s def still emotional but unlike the missile you’re about to be assaulted by, you won’t need a Xanax after reading it) take on the inequities of summer camp, you can read my piece from last year here.
Exhale.
I’m writing this on February 19th. As of February 18th, I had signed my 11-year-old up for 2 weeks of soccer camp, one of basketball camp, one of town pool camp, and one of wilderness adventure camp. For each of these camps, I’ve coordinated with countless other parents and consulted several spreadsheets and photos of scribbled notepads. As of this morning, I still had to sign him up for two more weeks of camp.
As of February 18th, I’d signed my 9-year-old up for one seacoast camp (which I withdrew her from because she protested), 2 weeks of soccer camp, one week of wilderness adventure camp, and two weeks of town pool camp. As of this morning, I still had to sign her up for two weeks of camp.
I signed my four-year-old up for the ONLY all-summer-long camp of the bunch in January and I thank the camp powers that be for one small miracle.
Anyway, last night, I did a final check with the 832 parents I’ve been coordinating with, did a final scan of the relevant documentation, and set my alarm for 6AM in order to prepare adequately for a 7AM sign up. I told Brett I would be unavailable for all child requests and that I’d be locking myself into our bedroom. A quick note! Summer camp-signups (and after-school club sign-ups and playdates and sports signups and teacher workshop day plans and Valentine’s day card coordination and and and) is unpaid labor way too often managed by mothers (as opposed to fathers) which is bullshit the end. For full transparency, I think Brett and I have divided this labor pretty evenly, but in the case of camp sign-ups, I (UNHEALTHILY) am too scared to give up any control. So here I am. Mostly in a hell of my own making.
Ok.
At some point last night, I woke up drenched in sweat from a nightmare in which I woke up in a blurry haze at 7:03 at which point I screamed, a la Marlon Brando except I was screaming NOOOOOO instead of STELLLAAAAAA. I checked my clock and went back to [fitful] sleep.
At a later point last night, I woke up from a nightmare in which I couldn’t find my computer OR my tea and I had only 13 minutes until signup opened.
At a still later point last night, I woke up from a nightmare in which I begged the people in charge of summer camp to let me WORK FOR THE CAMP as an acting teacher so my kids would get camp-counselor-parent privilege and have access to the camp I had failed to sign them up for because yet again I had woken up at 7:03 on the day of sign-up.
By the grace of something, this morning finally came. I woke up at 5:30 and began nervously texting my fellow comrades in arm.
Finally 6:59 came. I refreshed like my life depended on it before ripping off my sweater due to sweat despite the fact that the blood in my veins had turned to ice.
At 7:00, I can only say that I left my body and entered into a new state of consciousness.