This is not an essay about Ballerina Farm
On postpartum pageantry and the marketing of thinness and Ideal Motherhood™
After the birth of my first child, as I lay in the hospital bed staring in wonder and shock and disbelief at the small human my body had made, one of the labor nurses told me my “uterus was shrinking beautifully.” This made me feel stupidly proud. As if the rate of uterus shrinkage was at all in my control or any sort of indicator of my maternal aptitude. A week or so after childbirth, I couldn’t walk the length of my driveway without taking breaks, I was still gingerly sitting on pillows to protect my cracked tailbone, and my postpartum night sweats made me seriously consider a plastic mattress protector. But my stomach had more or less shrunk back to its pre-pregnancy size. People commented on the shrinkage of my stomach ad nauseam because people love to comment on women’s bodies particularly when those bodies are undergoing massive transformations and you know, creating and sustaining life.
I understand through firsthand experience that some bodies do appear to “heal” quickly after childbirth. But this is only if we’re viewing thinness as health.
I was at my thinnest (pretty much ever) after having my first kid, and I was also experiencing the most devastating mental health crisis (pretty much ever). I was scared I had made a terrible mistake in becoming a mother, certain I’d never feel like myself again, and each day felt like I was climbing Mount Everest without a water bottle or even a granola bar. In no way was I “healthy.” But I was thin!
I am not going to hazard any guesses about Hannah Neeleman’s postpartum physical or mental wellbeing because it’s entirely none of my business, but the performance of Ideal Motherhood™ is my business, so let’s dig into it.
