I’m sorry to say that this week’s WTF is about Cocomelon.

Cocomelon is a “show” with which far too many parents have been forcibly familiarized in recent years, and if you are the rare person reading this newsletter who needed that explainer, I envy you.

I’m confident I could fill the pages of a book with WTFs on Cocomelon, but this particular WTF is leveled at two songs in the Cocomelon catalogue: “My Mommy Song” and “My Daddy Song.” If you’ve made it this far in life without having listened to either of these songs, please don’t click on those links and ruin that for yourself.

If you know someone who hates Cocomelon as much as I do, they might like this newsletter.

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Mommy - high on whatever particular drug she’s taking on this particular day, because rest assured, Mommy needs ALL THE DRUGS.

The Mommy Song and The Daddy Song have identical melodies and are structured around the same premise: that each of them are “the best that ever was.”

Where the Mommy Song and The Daddy Song part ways, however, is in substance. Sure, Mommy and Daddy are both “the best that ever was,” but their reasons for being so celebrated are worlds apart.

According to the lyrics in The Mommy Song, “Mommy is the best” for the following reasons:

She gives JJ a bandaid for some bullshit “boo-boo.” (I saw no blood.)
She vacuums with a smile on her face and bends down MID-VACUUM to play fucking checkers with the girl kid (sorry I don’t know her name). “Even when she’s busy, she loves me just the same.”
Cleaning with one hand, playing a board game with an unreasonable child with the other hand. #supermom!
Because she makes the boy kid (I don’t care that I don’t know his name) “his favorite snack” even though he’s an entitled little shit and literally smiles and shakes his head condescendingly at Mommy when she gives him the wrong snack before pointing to the RIGHT snack she should’ve given him.
LOOK AT HER EYES WHEN SHE DISCOVERS SHE HAS GIVEN HER KID THE WRONG SNACK. #freemommy
Because Mommy is the best, she giggles and corrects her mistake before something horrible happens.
Mommy is relieved she made the right snack, and judging from the maniacal glint in the boy kid’s eyes, she’s right to be.
Mommy is the best because she laughs at her fourth child’s (Daddy) stupid jokes even though it’s obvious to anyone looking that she’s dying inside.

Daddy embarrassing himself (and everyone else) per usual.

She’s also the best because she and Daddy have a vaudeville act.

Daddy looks at Mommy like the boy kid looks at his sandwich.

Lastly, Mommy is the best because she “always takes good care of us and she should be a queen” except she’s the Cocomelon Mommy so she’s not a queen, she’s a robot.

At the end of the Mommy Song music video, Mommy’s children (JJ, boy kid, girl kid, and Daddy) give her a book they’ve made and she is thrilled because honestly it’s a rare moment she gets to sit down and also a rare moment that she’s not serving somebody or cleaning something.

Let’s move onto The Daddy Song.

This is Daddy. In this Daddy Song music video, Daddy is first pictured “manning” the grill (check out his dope apron). Please remember this detail because it becomes important to our story later on.

Daddy is the best because:

He tells JJ silly stories at bedtime. Lest you think this illustrates Daddy’s sense of humor or his narrative abilities, by all accounts, JJ is a baby (who sometimes giggles like a 6-month-old and sometimes speaks in clearly enunciated full sentences) so the bar for “silly” or even “story” isn’t high.
He plays the guitar for the girl kid (sorry I still don’t know her name) and “let’s her sing along.” We can’t hear the song he’s playing though, so I remain dubious he’s doing anything other than pretending to play a song.

He takes the boy kid (still don’t care that I don’t know his name because he was an absolute dick to Mommy over a fucking sandwich and Mommy deserves better) on camping and for hikes. He also taught him how to catch a fish and how to ride a bike.

Daddy might take the boy kid “camping,” but Mommy 100% pitched the tent, bought and packed the camp chairs, made the fire, found sticks, and placed the marshmallows on the sticks for her two children pictured here. She is probably camping in the neighboring campsite but letting Daddy pretend he’s doing it “all by himself like a big boy.”

Daddy is also the best because he listens to Mommy’s problems and “knows just what to do.” And by this I mean he answers the phone when Mommy calls to tell him she got a flat tire, and then he appears out of nowhere to fix the flat tire.

Mommy, your flat flat tire is not your biggest problem. I wish I could save you.

Mommy looking thirsty for Daddy - further proof she’s a robot.

Did I choose this bad angle of Daddy on purpose? Yes.

To celebrate Daddy being the Best There Ever Was, his kids (siblings?) give him a medal, a trophy, AND a badge. His Mommy gives him a personalized tie. Please remember, all Mommy got was a bullshit homemade book.

Remember how The Daddy Song music video started with Daddy looking like a capable adult because he was stationed at the grill and was wearing an apron? The conclusion of the music video reveals that Daddy’s grill and apron were just part of a play-set Mommy gave him because obviously Daddy can’t be trusted with hot appliances or sharp objects. MOMMY OBVIOUSLY did the real grilling.

Let’s recap!

Mommy is the best because she’s good at cleaning, caretaking, cooking, and managing her biggest child’s fragile ego by laughing at his surely abysmal jokes and participating in their sad song and dance act. Mommy is the best because she is a domestic robot with no individual needs or interior life.

Daddy is the best because he’s good at being the Fun One: he tells silly stories, dances, “plays” the guitar, fishes, eats s’mores, and changes Mommy’s tire which you know she deliberately popped so Daddy could have the thrill of “listening to her problems and knowing just what to do.” This is the only reasonable explanation. Mommy keeps the Cocomelon household afloat singlehandedly (and does literally everything) so there’s no way in hell we (as the audience god help us) can be expected to believe that Mommy doesn’t know how to replace a goddamn tire. Mommy is the best because someone programmed her that way and Daddy is the best because he’s fun to play with.

Final thought: Mommy should trade Daddy in for a puppy. Puppies are (like Daddy) fun to play with and also way cuter (and less emotionally needy) than Mommy’s biggest, most obnoxious (this is saying a lot if you’ve ever watched Cocomelon) child, Daddy.

In Pursuit of Clean Countertops

Cocomelon Mommy is not ok