Momfluencer guru update!

Read this newsletter to unlock your divine potential

But first, some housekeeping. Welcome and to a whole slew of new subscribers! If you found me via the Great Wooden Toy Debate, strap yourself in for an abrupt pivot into the Land of Big Momfluencer Promises. I’m so glad you’re here, and if you want to check out a few classic posts, here’s one, here’s another, and here’s one more. And here’s one I personally love even if/because it’s a little weird. Thank you so much for subscribing!

If you want to hear my thoughts about the trend of Morning Routine videos being shared on social media, I contributed to this Guardian piece.

Ok, let’s manifest some shit, shall we?

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Remember Lacey Haynes and her dildo made of “✨gold from a supernova and neutron star collision before our solar system existed?”

Remember her promises of sisterhood and bliss and orgasms and cash windfalls and obtaining “everything you desire?”

I HAVE AN UPDATE.

And you can count your lucky stars that you’re in my inner circle and thus privy to this update, because if you wanted a Lacey Haynes update and searched for it on Instagram, you would be shit out of luck due to Haynes’ account having been suspended for “sexual solicitation.” I know this because I’m in Haynes’ inner circle by virtue of entering my email address into at least one of her online forms in an effort to ascertain what she was selling and how much she was selling it for when I was deep in Lacey Haynes research for the aforementioned hard-hitting journalistic piece on Haynes and her Manifesturbation™ program. Fate? Kismet? Or simply what happens when a supernova and neutron star collide before our social system even existed?

ANYWAY, Haynes is embarking on a new chapter.

While I have no doubt that she’ll continue to hawk guidebooks, e-courses, and pretty sex toys, for the moment, Haynes is wholly invested in selling Healys, which are devices “designed to support wellbeing through harmonization of the Bioenergetic Field.”

What’s that, you ask? Selling what, exactly? Let me clarify. Lacey Haynes is selling Healys, which will, according to the Healy website “use the data from a physical noise generator to assign a priority to frequencies that professional user experience indicates have the highest relevance for the user.” A Healy is “a little companion that watches over our wellbeing.” Depending on which Healy you purchase, it might “focus on Nuno Nina’s Gold Cycle program group for the harmonization of your Bioenergetic Field.”

If you’re still confused about what Healys do, maybe check out the company’s About Us page, which lays out the “science” behind the magic. According to Healy, “science” is not only about “the joys of innovation and the satisfaction of possessing something unique . . . Science is also about evidence-based facts, scientifically proven development and a convincing number of publications.” Ah yes, a “convincing number of publications.” We all know what that means am I right?

#science

To conclude, not that anyone could possibly still be confused about what the Healy does or how it does it, a series of “unblinded” surveys conducted by Healy show that “survey participants’ wellbeing was higher after the application [of the Healy device]. We attribute this to the harmonization of the Bioenergetic Field, which we refer to as the energy flow of life, traditionally also called chi (or qi) and prana.”

Image source: Healy!

Healys kinda look like cell phones. They kinda look like baby monitors. They kinda look like video game controllers. The cheapest Healy “edition” is over $500.00 and the most expensive one is nearly $5,000.00.

According to this piece published in McGill University’s Office for Science and Society, the Healy (get it? “heal” y?) is based on vintage quack science from the late 19th century, and is “repackaged woo” for today’s consumer. I highly recommend reading the entire article if you’re in the mood for a good debunking, but here’s a snippet.

There is so much more to touch on when it comes to the Healy, from the New Age connotation of its claim to “realign your body, mind and soul with the natural cycles of the sun, moon, and the earth,” to its seemingly endless collection of frequency programs, all with their own prices and symbols, that reminded me of how astrology, with its birth charts, feels like doing science. There is also the fact that, like your typical multilevel marketing structure, there isn’t much money to be made here: a third of Healy members make an average of 427$ a year, while the top 31 members make an average of 73,070$ yearly.

Forgive me for burying the lede, but Lacey Haynes has joined an MLM! Because of course she has!

According to Haynes’ email update, she was asked to join a friend’s “Healy team” late last year. She provides the following context.

If you don’t know about Healy, it’s a personal bioresonace [Sara here: does she mean bioresonance? we’ll never know.] device that supports wellbeing. It’s a magic little machine, connected to the quantum, that creates specific frequencies for whatever part of your body or life need to be restored to harmony.

I didn’t see myself getting involved, even though I had a handful of friends and colleagues using Healy and loving it. I also knew it was a multi-level marketing structure and right away, that made me certain it wasn’t for me.

I’m sensing some of you reading the prior paragraph and remaining unclear on what a Healy is. Let me try and help. It’s a “personal bioresonace/bioresonance device.” It “supports wellbeing.” It’s a “magic little machine.” It’s “connected to the quantum.” It “creates specific frequencies for whatever part of your body or life need to be restored to harmony.”

Ok, now that we all know exactly what a Healy is, what it does, and how it does it, I’d like to draw your attention to Haynes’ reservations about MLMs, which made her “certain [Healy] wasn’t for me.” This will be the first and last mention of Haynes’ reservations with the MLM business model.

Moving on to the next paragraph of Haynes’ email.

However, at the end of last year, I was searching for something different. Something beyond my own work that would allow me more spaciousness in my life. I also sensed that this device, this Healy world, was the key to a lock I’d been trying to open for ages.

A careful reader will notice that the word “however” directly follows Haynes’ assertion of “certainty” that Healy isn’t for her because it’s an MLM.

Stay with me everyone. We’re talking portals next.

When the 88 Day Portal opened, I knew I wanted to make some power moves and radically shapeshift my life. The 88 Days to Quantum Leap is a free program inside the Healy lineage I’m a part of meaning anyone who is in this lineage can join (yes, you too!)

You might be wondering what an 88 Day Portal is, to which I would say, curiosity killed the cat and it’s a “free program inside the the Healy lineage.” The good news is that you too can join!

You also might be forgiven for assuming that Lacey Haynes, a person who used her Instagram account primarily to uphold her [dubious] status as an authority figure (and to sell followers various products based on that supposed authority) might be “freaking out” about the suspension of her account. Not so!

In a section of the email entitled “And Here’s Why I’m not Freaking Out, Sara” (All of her emails are auto-personalized in this way which makes me believe that Lacey Haynes both cares about and understands me), Haynes writes the following:

For the first time in many years, my business isn’t entirely reliant on Instagram. I now have a leveraged income stream because I’ve built up my Healy business in the last three months so that I have women working under me, that I’m supporting, so that we’re all making money together.

I came to understand this fresh hybrid multi-leveling market structure not as not some 90's get rich quick scheme or structure that takes advantage of vulnerable people but as an Aquarian model of reciprocity, team-work and mutual thriving. I'm so glad I dropped my ego and opened up so I could experience this gift I've been longing for.

LEVERAGED INCOME STREAM. MONEY. MUTUAL THRIVING. SUPPORTING. DROPPED MY EGO. EXPERIENCE THIS GIFT. LONGING.

FRESH HYBRID.

I’ll end this update by letting you all in on a little secret.

Not everyone has your unique combination of moxie, spiritual openness, and smarts, dear reader. But since I can sense that you have what it takes to succeed beyond your wildest dreams while also providing opportunities galore for other badass babes in your circle, I’m going to invite you to join me in a super exclusive business venture that will change your life and blow your mind.

But before I do, I want to quote Lacey Haynes and remind you that “you can’t enter ‘the Quantum’ if you’re still addicted to struggle.” The choice is yours, dear reader. Stay addicted to struggle or enter the quantum, which is “expedited timelines, massive flow, permission to grow and allow.” Are you listening to what I’m saying?! I’m promising “massive flow.” You’re welcome.

So if you are no longer interested in “clawing onto the past” and if you’re ready to take the next step in living a “life of freedom and ease,” just sign up for Lacey’s emails here, and once you’re “in,” respond with the word “Healy” or send Lacey your WhatsApp number. She’ll “connect with you” there.

Image source: Healy 🙃