The brides are not ok

Another bullshit checklist!

A couple weeks ago, I WTFed new baby checklists for essentially supporting the view that in order to be a “good” mom, one must really be a “good” consumer. And because the cultural construction of a “good” mother often overlaps with the cultural construction of a “good” wife, I thought it might be fun to examine a typical “bride’s checklist.”

Many little girls are raised to dream about two Big Days - the day they get married and the day they become a mother. Both of these Big Days feature the grown-up girl as the Star of the show, but she is not the subject of either day, she is the object of our cultural ideals.

A good bride embodies femme beauty ideals, ideally has “shredded for the wedding,” and generally has a relatively simple task: to be the prettiest princess she can possibly be. It’s not complicated.

A good mom arguably has to do considerably more (teach, psychoanalyze, clean, create a domestic sanctuary, keep her sourdough starter alive, cook everything from scratch, craft, maintain saintlike patience) than a good bride, but embodying femme beauty ideals is still a concern! A good mom ideally has googled “how to safely lose weight while pregnant” and invested her time and energy in “getting her body back” after childbirth. A good mom has gotten Botox to mask her sleepless nights. A good mom is beautiful without trying since a mom trying to be hot is gauche but she should be a MILF without being a slut.

The emphasis on appearances is a through-line that connects good bride-hood to good motherhood to make up the Best Woman.

And while motherhood and romantic partnerhood are two complex roles which do impact many women’s lives in important, multi-faceted ways, the little girl dreaming and fantasizing about being worshipped on her wedding day and later, for her maternity, will rarely be privy to much useful information about how partnerhood looks and feels. She will rarely be privy to much useful information about how the labor of mothering looks and feels. Both dreams hinge on a certain level of ignorant bliss, a lack of curiosity about embodied realities, and a drive to perform.

Instead, the little girl will be trained to focus on how she will look to others on her wedding day and how she will look to others as a mother. She will internalize her objectivity. A pretty mom is assumed to be a good mom just as a pretty bride is assumed to be a good partner.

Onto the checklists 👰‍♀️ 🤵

My cousin is getting married next month and sent me one website’s bride and groom checklists to use for this analysis. Naturally, the bride and groom get different checklists because if there’s anything thing the wedding industry loves, its heteronormativity and razor sharp gender binaries!

The bride’s checklist includes 54 to-do items. The groom’s checklist includes 16. Shall we compare and contrast?

Some of the things the bride must do to prepare for her Big Day include:

• “Consider Something, Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something Blue.”

• “Purchase your garter, if desired.” (You can tell This Wedding Website Isn’t Like Other Wedding Websites because a garter is optional)

• “Plan a bridesmaid luncheon or cocktails to thank your attendants for their help and support.” (If weddings are about anything, it’s not love, it’s elaborate planning and spending money as a way to gesture towards love.)

• “Assign any wedding duties/responsibilities to bridesmaids as needed.”

• “Pack a wedding day emergency kit for the unexpected.”

• “Break in wedding shoes by wearing them around the house.”

• “Pick up your veil or headpiece if you haven’t already.” (Feels a little passive aggressive, no?)

• “If you will be moving, send change of address information to post office.” (This is not on the groom’s checklist presumably because the bride is moving out of her big, strong daddy’s home directly into her big, strong husband’s home)

• “Shop for your wedding brunch outfit.” (This checklist doesn’t tell you to plan your wedding brunch but I guess that’s a given since who could possibly get married without a wedding brunch?)

• “Shop for your rehearsal dress.” (Shopping is a big part of marriage).

• “Shop for lingerie and other essentials prior to your first wedding dress fitting.” (Like . . . tampons? Legit what else could be essential?)

• “Choose bridesmaids dresses and inform them where to purchase and when to schedule fittings.” (Sounds cozy and relaxed)

• “Confirm all bridesmaids have ordered their dresses.” (Super chill)

• “Confirm delivery date of bridesmaids’ dresses and add date to your Calendar.” (Easy breezy)

• “Have your wedding dress professionally cleaned and preserved.” (Obv)

In addition to taking care of important marriage logistics like “bridesmaid luncheons” the bride must also consider her Beauty checklist (which is its own thing separate from the main checklist).

The Beauty checklist suggests the following:

• “Determine who will need wedding day styling services.” (Do those people get a say in whether or not they want or “need” styling services? Unclear!)

• “Look for hair and makeup styles you love and create a Style Guide to share with your stylist.” (I need more details about what this Style Guide. What should it look like? Is it in a binder? On Pinterest? A Google doc? Do I need another checklist for the Style Guide to ensure I’m doing it correctly?)

• “Schedule stylist trial session. Add this appointment to your Calendar.”

• “Get your teeth whitened.” (apparently nonnegotiable)

• “Have a trial session with your hairstylist and makeup artist” (I guess this is different from the stylist mentioned above?)

• “Schedule additional beauty appointments (manicure/pedicure, massage etc) as needed and add them to your calendar and/or wedding day Timeline.” (The word “needed” is doing heavy lifting here)

• “Reconfirm wedding day beauty appointments and make any final adjustments as needed” (I’m exhausted)

• “Relax and enjoy the wedding day with some pampering (manicure/pedicure, massage, etc)” (Do they have a checklist about how to correctly “relax” and “enjoy” things? Also I love imagining the bride legit checking this off the day after the wedding)

Here are some items from the groom’s checklist.

• “Choose your groomsmen, invite them to be in your bridal party.” (Do grooms not know that bridal party attendants can’t read minds?)

• “Purchase a wedding gift and card for the Bride.” (This wasn’t on the bride's checklist presumably because a bride is a woman and therefore has been socialized to know that she is supposed to give gifts and cards to celebrate important milestones?)

• “Get a haircut if needed.” (The solitary “beauty” responsibility listed)

• “Purchase or reserve groom’s attire.”

• “Enjoy your bachelor party.”