Gross toddler diseases, the COLON BROOM, and a Sale!
Before we launch into the business of WTFing, I have two exciting updates (actually one of them is exciting and one of them is the opposite of exciting).
My toddler is getting over Hand, Food, and Mouth disease, which means he has been starfish clinging to me since Thursday. He also might have athlete’s foot (!?) (which has been beautifully reacting to the HFM sores) so in general, it’s been super fun and also the cause of this newsletter being late. Love starting the summer off with a disgusting kid disease AND no childcare (insert upside-down face emojis here).
School is officially out (for us in NH anyway!) and while I love summer in New England, I always feel a special kind of panic on the first day sans school since I know it’s the beginning of keeping up with various camp schedules, complying with various camp protocols, not showing up to the wrong pick-up location (or the wrong drop-off location), not screwing up my portion of the carpool schedule, and ensuring my husband and I have cobbled together enough babysitters to get us through until September. Summer vacation for parents it is NOT which is why I want to offer everyone a Schools Out discount for paid subscriptions. If you’ve been on the fence about upgrading your subscription, now is your chance!
The Weekly WTF and Friday post will always be free, but here’s what a paid subscription will get you:
An extra Let’s Discuss post every Wednesday in which I share what I’m reading, what I’m doing, what I’m knitting, what I’m listening to, and sometimes, a very good frozen pizza recommendation.
Occasional free goodies (I’m thinking of doing an AMA for paid subscribers soon!)
My everlasting gratitude. I love love love love writing this newsletter, but, as I wrote two weeks ago, I’m still adjusting to balancing the not-unsubstantial workload of newslettering with . . . everything else. Like a surprise case of Hand, Foot, Mouth! The research, administrative labor, and the writing of this newsletter all comes from yours truly, and the support of paid subscribers helps ensure the bulk of content always remains free. It also helps me pay for childcare.
Thank you! And while I firmly believe free summer camp should be available to EVERYONE, as has been discussed many, many times, our country doesn’t care about kids or parents, so obviously it’s not. Until then, please view this little discount as a virtual freeze pop from me to you.
Ok. WTF time!
That’s right. We’re talking about a product called THE COLON BROOM [I will be capitalizing the name of this product throughout because how can I not?]
I was not targeted by this particular Insta ad, for which I suppose I should be grateful, but a friend of mine was, and I love her for sending it to me. I’ll love you too if you email me or tag me with your own WTF noms!
Because the name alone is enough to convince me this particular product is worthy of a WTF, I don’t actually know how the COLON BROOM works (nor do I care!), and lest you wonder if the COLON BROOM is anything other than actual bullshit (sorry for the poop pun), the most recent post on their Insta grid is this one.
Here’s the caption (it’s a RICH text).
⏰ Many of you have been wondering how ColonBroom works with intermittent fasting, and we’re more than happy to tell you it’s completely fasting-friendly!
ColonBroom may help you extend your fasting window by providing a sense of fullness. Also, it’s a guilt-free drink that tastes like dessert while not breaking your fast. Unlike other macronutrients such as fats, proteins, or carbohydrates, which the body breaks down and absorbs, psyllium husk and other ColonBroom ingredients aren’t digested by your body.
Who would not want their fast to taste like a strawberry lollipop? 🍭🍓
So not only does the COLON BROOM play nicely with intermittent fasting (one of the most pernicious of the non-diet diets), it also references a few greatest hits of diet culture.
It endorses the good food/bad food binary by reminding you that the COLON BROOM (which I guess is a drink) is “guilt-free” and “tastes like dessert” without having any nasty side effects of REAL dessert (ie potential weight gain).
It hurls as many nutrition-y buzzwords as possible at you to make you believe you’re doing something “good” and “healthy” for yourself by consuming a drink called THE COLON BROOM when in fact you’re simply drinking something intended to make you feel as though you’re actually feeding and nourishing yourself when in fact most of the ingredients of the COLON BROOM “aren’t digested by your body.” Cool cool cool cool cool cool.
Then there’s the cutesy little sign-off to make you feel as though you’re not being targeted by a diet company bent on making as much money as possible by perpetuating harmful, anti-fat, diet culture standards. Sorry but not only do I not want to fast, I also don’t want to drink a laxative that tastes like a strawberry lollipop.
The COLON BROOM also does cool stuff like:
Villify sugar as an addiction (“No matter your inner demons and downfalls😈🍩🍩🍩, remind yourself that sugar addiction is the biggest one out there. And one week of curbing that sweet tooth will completely change the way you think about your diet.”)
Evoke self-help-y language about “self-love” to sell people a laxative (“Give yourself the love you deserve with a LOVE YOUR BODY challenge.
Join this 7-day program by taking care of the most important person in your life: you.”)
AND MY FAVORITE - Gaslight moms into thinking that starving themselves in attempts to attain an unattainable beauty/body ideal is self-care (“Motherhood is a superpower that many of us look up to. Kudos to the most efficient multi-taskers of this world! We know how much time and effort it takes to do all of this precious work. Don’t forget to take great care of yourself, and when it comes to mood boosts and pristine gut health, leave all the work to us!”)
What. The. Fuck.
Stay safe out there in the land of targeted ads and here’s the link to the subscription sale one more time! Happy Tuesday (and may all your colons steer clear from a strawberry-lollipop laxative which is also apparently a broom).