This is exactly how I felt. “His inability to discuss holistic options left me feeling stranded, alone, and desperate.” My kid would never nap when he was just with me. I was losing my mind. The only advice I EVER got, from the Waldorfians to the sleep experts, was to 1) figure it out fast because the problem could turn into a “real ball of snakes”; 2) make a plan and follow it!; 3) go to another part of the house where the baby and I wouldn’t feel each other’s anxiety and I wouldn't hear the baby crying (besides being useless advice, it’d only work if you had a big friggin house); and 4) relax because it would settle out by and by. I’m still angry. It was a hard problem. Nobody knew what to do—but with freaked-out new moms, I think there’s this awful, irresistible power trip to Know More, to nod wisely, gaze at the horizon, opine, and despise the mom a little bit because you’re so glad you’re not the postpartum loser, or the helpless partner, this time.
I’m an adoptive mom (via foster care) and I spent a loooong time not feeling like a “real” mom.
As for bad advice: the number of people who told me not to get ATTACHED to my newborn I held constantly for two weeks in the NICU or the toddlers who were sad and needed love, is just unbelievable.
Yes, we got attached to 7 kids who didn’t stay with us forever and it broke our hearts but also - loving a kid is never BAD. Plus, I don’t know how you go from “not attaching” to attaching when foster care -> adoption process takes two years.
We asked my in-laws to come help with our oldest when we had our 2nd. They didn't help with our daughter at all and only wanted to hold the baby. Older sister was obviously having a tough transition and asked me why he cried so much and I was explaining how babies can't talk so they cry to tell us things. I came out to tell this story to my in-laws, thinking it was a cute little moment, and my mother-in-law said "yeah, when he's crying he's trying to say 'be better parents! Be better parents!'" I was maybe 7 days postpartum and my milk hadn't come in and I was pumping around the clock and that just completely broke me. I will probably never forgive her.
My son benefited from formula right away in the hospital due to a minor health issue. I'm adopted and thus was a formula baby, and fuck anyone who tries to make parents shamed for feeding their kid, right? In the hospital, we met with a lactation consultant who tried to show how OK she was with formula by condescendingly remarking, "I know people who went to Harvard who were formula babies!" My husband immediately responded, "YES MY WIFE WAS FED FORMULA AND OBVIOUSLY SHE TURNED OUT GREAT"
I don’t know any Harvard grads but the 3 women in my family all graduated from Duke- my mom was adopted, and when my twin and I dropped close to 4 pounds after 2 weeks of my mother attempting to exclusively breastfeed us, my grandma brought her a case of formula from the hospital- they said we would have to go to the NICU if we lost any more weight and we grew just fine after that scare. I wish my sister and I had internalized that message a bit more when it came to the decision to breastfeed our own children but socialization is very powerful and all the lactation consultants I have encountered were all really fucking mean!
It's wild how you don't even realize how much these terrible narratives get internalized. I definitely still had baggage around feeding choices! And while I may not have gone to Harvard, I got a PhD at UC Berkeley so I think I'm doing great 😂
Ooooh the gender thing. My first born was a girl and then when I was pregnant again and people found out i was having a boy, the reactions were almost insulting. People literally screaming with joy. So many “your husband must be so happy!!” comments. Even one “well I’ll have to call him handsome, not cute, since he’s a boy.” I immediately was like Jesus Christ, you’re almost ruining this for me.
Not advice, but an awful experience with an anesthesiologist before my 18mo’s ear tube procedure. “So after I put the mask on her face, you will feel her go LIMP AND LIFELESS in your arms.” He said it once before going in and once again as he placed the mask. 9 years later it still fires me up/makes me cry.
Right?! I filed a complaint that he should never ever serve the peds unit again. I had a similar nursing experience to one of your folks in the post. I did that stupid schedule for at least 6-8 weeks, even the 2am pump bc she said that was the one that out the most energy into the system 🙄
At my daughter’s one year appointment, the fill in dr (because mine was on maternity leave) suggested I consider weaning off the breast before she turned 18 years old! I filed a complaint.
A pediatric dentist suggested my breastfeeding caused one (of my four children) to have bad teeth 🙄
The worst and most hurtful advice came from my mother just after I separated from the kids’ dad and was having severe behavioral issues with my youngest… she actually suggested that I foster him out because I couldn’t handle him. Or find a kid boot camp to ship him off to.
Yeah - she 100% said it, but denies it 😂 She said I probably misunderstood her. We’ve had it out a few times over parenting advice and I’ve had to set boundaries.
At my two week OB follow up they did the PPA/PPD screening questionnaire and I showed signs of severe depression. The nurse asked me awkwardly “Well, uh, do you have good support though?” And my OB came in afterward with a kindly smile, waving the questionnaire at me, and said “Listen, enjoy these days but don’t think you have to ‘mom’ all the time. If you’re on mom duty one hundred percent of the time, of course you’ll get depressed. So take your time getting home, stop for a nice long coffee.” When I dazedly told him I had to rush home to breastfeed, he just smiled again and said “You’re doing great.”
My personal favorite was a random woman at the park watched me go down the slide with my kid and then physically pulled me aside and yelled at me to tell me to never go down the slide with him again because I could "break both his legs and permanently disable him." He was 18 months old.
I still chuckle thinking about it. What on earth could have possessed her to say that to me?
Mine is another a Dr comment! I had severe preeclampsia, needed a pre-term induction, my baby’s heart rate crashed and we went in for a crash c-section (baby born within 15 mins). Baby immediately taken to the NICU, and I’ve only had a quick glance as they rushed by. I’m in the recovery room (still haven’t met my baby) and the OB comes in and the first thing she says is “We did the type of incision so that you can have a VBAC next time” 🤯
I have a super fun story of preeclampsia and almost dying. But, once I was past that cool part and went to my 6 week post partum follow up, the doctor said “the bad news is you have the bad type of collagen so your stomach is never going back” and never referenced or addressed the almost dying part.
This is exactly how I felt. “His inability to discuss holistic options left me feeling stranded, alone, and desperate.” My kid would never nap when he was just with me. I was losing my mind. The only advice I EVER got, from the Waldorfians to the sleep experts, was to 1) figure it out fast because the problem could turn into a “real ball of snakes”; 2) make a plan and follow it!; 3) go to another part of the house where the baby and I wouldn’t feel each other’s anxiety and I wouldn't hear the baby crying (besides being useless advice, it’d only work if you had a big friggin house); and 4) relax because it would settle out by and by. I’m still angry. It was a hard problem. Nobody knew what to do—but with freaked-out new moms, I think there’s this awful, irresistible power trip to Know More, to nod wisely, gaze at the horizon, opine, and despise the mom a little bit because you’re so glad you’re not the postpartum loser, or the helpless partner, this time.
oh that is SUCH a great point - rather than get into the mess with her!
Wait but dying to know which FUCKING BOOK he thought was going to solve everything???
NO FUCKING CLUE. Obv I overnighted it from Amazon because I'm me, but I def didn't read it.
But because it was there in your home, the magic of the book solved all your problems through osmosis, right? Riiiight?? 🪄
NAILED IT MEGGIE
I’m an adoptive mom (via foster care) and I spent a loooong time not feeling like a “real” mom.
As for bad advice: the number of people who told me not to get ATTACHED to my newborn I held constantly for two weeks in the NICU or the toddlers who were sad and needed love, is just unbelievable.
Yes, we got attached to 7 kids who didn’t stay with us forever and it broke our hearts but also - loving a kid is never BAD. Plus, I don’t know how you go from “not attaching” to attaching when foster care -> adoption process takes two years.
We asked my in-laws to come help with our oldest when we had our 2nd. They didn't help with our daughter at all and only wanted to hold the baby. Older sister was obviously having a tough transition and asked me why he cried so much and I was explaining how babies can't talk so they cry to tell us things. I came out to tell this story to my in-laws, thinking it was a cute little moment, and my mother-in-law said "yeah, when he's crying he's trying to say 'be better parents! Be better parents!'" I was maybe 7 days postpartum and my milk hadn't come in and I was pumping around the clock and that just completely broke me. I will probably never forgive her.
My son benefited from formula right away in the hospital due to a minor health issue. I'm adopted and thus was a formula baby, and fuck anyone who tries to make parents shamed for feeding their kid, right? In the hospital, we met with a lactation consultant who tried to show how OK she was with formula by condescendingly remarking, "I know people who went to Harvard who were formula babies!" My husband immediately responded, "YES MY WIFE WAS FED FORMULA AND OBVIOUSLY SHE TURNED OUT GREAT"
I detest this so much on your behalf Jasmine!!!!
I don’t know any Harvard grads but the 3 women in my family all graduated from Duke- my mom was adopted, and when my twin and I dropped close to 4 pounds after 2 weeks of my mother attempting to exclusively breastfeed us, my grandma brought her a case of formula from the hospital- they said we would have to go to the NICU if we lost any more weight and we grew just fine after that scare. I wish my sister and I had internalized that message a bit more when it came to the decision to breastfeed our own children but socialization is very powerful and all the lactation consultants I have encountered were all really fucking mean!
It's wild how you don't even realize how much these terrible narratives get internalized. I definitely still had baggage around feeding choices! And while I may not have gone to Harvard, I got a PhD at UC Berkeley so I think I'm doing great 😂
(NOT THAT EDUCATION IS A DEFINITION OF WORTH!!!)
Omg this post is so infuriating. Thank you to all the sharers of their worst advice.
Thanks for including me in this very infuriating post!!!
heart emoji!!
Ooooh the gender thing. My first born was a girl and then when I was pregnant again and people found out i was having a boy, the reactions were almost insulting. People literally screaming with joy. So many “your husband must be so happy!!” comments. Even one “well I’ll have to call him handsome, not cute, since he’s a boy.” I immediately was like Jesus Christ, you’re almost ruining this for me.
Not advice, but an awful experience with an anesthesiologist before my 18mo’s ear tube procedure. “So after I put the mask on her face, you will feel her go LIMP AND LIFELESS in your arms.” He said it once before going in and once again as he placed the mask. 9 years later it still fires me up/makes me cry.
super cool choice of words doc!!!!!!
Right?! I filed a complaint that he should never ever serve the peds unit again. I had a similar nursing experience to one of your folks in the post. I did that stupid schedule for at least 6-8 weeks, even the 2am pump bc she said that was the one that out the most energy into the system 🙄
All the years of horrible advice!! Ugh!!!
At my daughter’s one year appointment, the fill in dr (because mine was on maternity leave) suggested I consider weaning off the breast before she turned 18 years old! I filed a complaint.
A pediatric dentist suggested my breastfeeding caused one (of my four children) to have bad teeth 🙄
The worst and most hurtful advice came from my mother just after I separated from the kids’ dad and was having severe behavioral issues with my youngest… she actually suggested that I foster him out because I couldn’t handle him. Or find a kid boot camp to ship him off to.
W H A T
Geez!! I’m floored by your mom saying that to you, that is incredibly hurtful and I hope she repaired that awfulness with you.
Yeah - she 100% said it, but denies it 😂 She said I probably misunderstood her. We’ve had it out a few times over parenting advice and I’ve had to set boundaries.
At my two week OB follow up they did the PPA/PPD screening questionnaire and I showed signs of severe depression. The nurse asked me awkwardly “Well, uh, do you have good support though?” And my OB came in afterward with a kindly smile, waving the questionnaire at me, and said “Listen, enjoy these days but don’t think you have to ‘mom’ all the time. If you’re on mom duty one hundred percent of the time, of course you’ll get depressed. So take your time getting home, stop for a nice long coffee.” When I dazedly told him I had to rush home to breastfeed, he just smiled again and said “You’re doing great.”
My personal favorite was a random woman at the park watched me go down the slide with my kid and then physically pulled me aside and yelled at me to tell me to never go down the slide with him again because I could "break both his legs and permanently disable him." He was 18 months old.
I still chuckle thinking about it. What on earth could have possessed her to say that to me?
Mine is another a Dr comment! I had severe preeclampsia, needed a pre-term induction, my baby’s heart rate crashed and we went in for a crash c-section (baby born within 15 mins). Baby immediately taken to the NICU, and I’ve only had a quick glance as they rushed by. I’m in the recovery room (still haven’t met my baby) and the OB comes in and the first thing she says is “We did the type of incision so that you can have a VBAC next time” 🤯
I have a super fun story of preeclampsia and almost dying. But, once I was past that cool part and went to my 6 week post partum follow up, the doctor said “the bad news is you have the bad type of collagen so your stomach is never going back” and never referenced or addressed the almost dying part.
I still wake up some nights hoping something terrible has happened to him