Botox can erase your "mean mommy frown"

But it can't erase the fact that America doesn't care about you

In one of her always excellent “Don’t Buy” round-ups last week, Jessica DeFino featured the below Botox ad as a particularly grotesque (and cruel) example of what happens when beauty culture weaponizes consumers’ identities against them as a way to sell them a product they don’t objectively need. Jessica is the best and if you missed my interview with her about the intersection of mommy culture and beauty culture, find it here!

Jessica had this to say about the ad:

Botox is positioning itself as a balm for overworked, exhausted mothers. “I’m a mom of nine and I got Botox Cosmetic … on my forehead, my crows feet, and also my frown lines,” says the mom in the commercial below. “This is the first thing I’ve done for me in a really, really long time!”

This is evil-genius-level marketing from the makers of Botox, who have donated tens of thousands of dollars to politicians co-sponsoring a six-week national abortion ban bill in the past year alone — a bill that will, if passed, legally force women into the overwork and exhaustion of American motherhood.

I place ZERO judgement on moms (or anyone) for their personal decisions re: aging in a hellscape patriarchy which prioritizes women’s adherence to Western beauty standards over pretty much anything else directly impacting women’s lives, and I have been waffling about Botox myself for years. So this is not a WTF about skincare, beauty regimes, or cosmetic procedures of any kind. Do what you want!

This is a WTF leveled at the “evil-genius” marketers working for Botox and other brands hawking their wares to “busy moms” as cure-alls for America itself. America, a country which offers zero paid leave; zero renumeration for care work; zero guaranteed access to quality, affordable childcare; zero federally protected bodily autonomy; and zero cultural respect for the labor of mothering. Injectables might erase the appearance of fine lines, but they cannot erase the many power structures determining a mother’s life.

This is a WTF leveled at propaganda which relies on a false premise that a mother’s use of Botox will make her meaningfully “well” in any sense of the word. Botox might be a totally valid coping mechanism for moms trying to survive in our youth-obsessed capitalist society, and I completely empathize with anyone who just wants to feel better about what they see in the mirror every day. I participate in SEVERAL beauty practices for this very reason (I also benefit from white privilege, class privilege, and thin privilege, and am non-disabled, which likely renders my non-Botoxed face more socially palatable than someone without those same privileges). But we need to be critical about the fact that so many of us are conditioned from birth to confuse our internal self-worth with our outward appearance, and we need to be critical about the fact that the beauty industry depends on us feeling shitty about our mirrored reflections to make money.

It’s also worth noting that women are subject to more positive treatment in almost every sphere if they adhere to beauty and body size standards, so yeah, maybe getting Botox or fillers or whatever is making your life a little more manageable in that your ageist boss won’t pass you over for the next big assignment because he’s deemed you “out of touch with the zeitgeist” by virtue of your crow’s feet. And maybe your neighborhood bartender will actually see you in the swarm of people scrambling to place their drink orders at Friday night Happy Hour because of your diminished laugh lines. Life is indisputably easier for women who conform.

So if Botox can make a mom’s life easier in any way, is Botox right in arguing that wrinkle-removal is, in fact, a form of self-care? It depends on how you’re viewing self-care. Kathleen Newman-Bremang wrote this for Refinery29 about the Black radical feminist origins of self-care.

The term was insidiously co-opted by white people and stripped of its BLACK radical meaning. When Audre Lorde first wrote about self-care in her 1988 essay collection A Burst of Light, the activist and poet was battling cancer while still doing work that continues to inform and inspire movements of resistance. We all know the Lorde quote that dominates our timelines. It’s so prevalent, it’s become a cliche. But what Lorde initially wrote in full was anything but banal: 

“I had to examine, in my dreams as well as in my immune-function tests, the devastating effects of overextension. Overextending myself is not stretching myself. I had to accept how difficult it is to monitor the difference. Necessary for me as cutting down on sugar. Crucial. Physically. Psychically. Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

Later in her piece, Newman-Bremang writes: “As ‘new age self-care’ focuses on the individual instead of the collective, it reinforces the very structures Audre Lorde devoted her life to dismantling.” Botox can make (privileged) individuals feel a little better (maybe) about living in a sexist, racist, capitalist culture, but mothers deserve more than feeling marginally less shitty about their lives. ALL mothers, not just mothers who can afford Botox (mothers who can afford to worry about their skin’s texture because many of their other primary needs are being met) deserve access to rest, pleasure, and beauty.

Mothers should absolutely do what they need to do to get through the day. But marketers deliberately working to keep us trapped in a maelstrom of discontent and insecurity by condescendingly selling Botox to mothers as “self-love” don’t care about mothers loving themselves. Their livelihoods depend on the fact that we don’t.

If I ever do get Botox (and I might!), I won’t call it self-care. I won’t call it self-love. I sure as fuck won’t call it “taking time for myself.” I’ll call it “doing my best in a profoundly imperfect world.”

Below is my response to a collage of screenshots depressingly easy to create; a smattering of what pops up when you google “busy mom botox.” ***

Fillers “allow you to age gracefully” because as mothers and women, we know that the sooner we age visibly, the sooner we will be asked to fade into the background of life.

“Long days and disrupted sleep” can take a toll on your mental health and general outlook on life but FORGET ABOUT THAT and focus on the fact that those “long days and disrupted sleep can take a toll on your skin’s appearance” because that’s infinitely more important than whether or not you live in a culture which prioritizes your wellbeing and ability to flourish as a mother over your “skin’s appearance.”

“Botox can turn back time” except it literally can’t.

“Even more challenging is that moms need (and deserve!) treatment solutions that are both effective and respectful of their busy schedules.” America doesn’t offer “effective” or “respectful” solutions to mothers’ needs for childcare, reproductive healthcare, or workplace equity, but luckily, you can pay a plastic surgeon to inject Juvarderm into your cheeks so your despair stays hidden the way it’s supposed to. You don’t “deserve” rest but you do “deserve” to have plumper cheeks and 600 fewer dollars in your bank account.

“Fight mommy fatigue and look refreshed” even if you’re averaging 3 hours a sleep a night because you’ve been conditioned to never ask for help and because you live in a country that doesn’t provide you adequate postpartum care. You might still feel like absolute shit but at least your elevens will be gone!

Lasers will erase evidence that we have lived lives touched by sunlight, and these “non-invasive treatments are a very popular option for busy moms.”

“Take a breather and put yourself back on the list.” Which list? Whose list?

Once the cosmetic procedure of your choice has eradicated your “mean mommy frown,” you can finally “relax” and “give yourself some self-love.” And if you still find yourself unable to relax, perhaps consider that it’s not the systems which control your life, but some other internal or external problem you haven’t yet learned you need to [pay to] fix. Don’t worry - there’s an ad in your future that will help you see the light.

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WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF

In the rare chance you aren’t being emailed multiple times a day by Joe Biden reminding you that it’s election season, I’m here to tell you it’s election season! If the state of maternity in the US enrages you and you feel the urge to throw money at the massive problem of institution American motherhood, why not join us in the In Pursuit of Clean Countertops Giving Circle? Every little bit helps fight against conservative extremists who want mommies to be disenfranchised but PRETTY.

Join here!

*** Should I WTF the phrase “busy mom?” Please weigh in.