I also wanted to make that spinach cheese strata from Smitten Kitchen, but I work at a school that does not have a Christian-based winter break and am therefore only now approaching its end of quarter. Therefore, I am not cooking. Or rather, I should be grading rather than cooking, though I did volunteer to bake a bunch of cookies for some students farewell party. I don’t like how conservatives have co-opted traditional femininity. Liberal women should also do the makeup tutorials and the cooking videos, if that’s what they want to do. I mean, yeah, patriarchy probably did brainwash me into having an affinity with domestic hobbies that I can do with or in service of my children, but I still like cooking, baking, and crafting (I specifically have sewing and sashiko aspirations), but I enjoy them nevertheless. I am still going to advocate for men (specifically my husband) to wash dishes, watch their children, and be in charge of their own siblings’ Christmas cards.
On your sewing and sashiko aspirations and whether they're a product of patriarchal brainwashing: I don't know, maybe, but also my own personal opinion is that Quilting is Feminist. By which I mean, enjoying sewing and embroidery and quilting and whatnot, but I started off as a quilter so that's how my motto came out years ago. Quilting is feminist!
When we stitch, we honor our foremothers who used what they had, and that was often almost nothing, to produce art and beauty that was also useful and practical. We support innumerable designers and producers, most of whom are women. We claim our own time to do what we want, not for anybody else's profit, but for ourselves and those we love. Stitching is feminist!
And yes, that was a huge reaction to a tiny little comment of yours, sorry not sorry 😁
i have HUGE aspirations to one day quilt something! i have quilts made by both my mother and my grandmother and they're probably my most cherished items.
I like this idea of stitching as feminist. It’s about the context! Cooking for free at home is a woman’s job, but cooking for money in a restaurant is a man’s job! Tailoring was traditionally male, but dressmaking and making shirts for children was female. Hobbies that take place outside the home, which are dangerous for children, and which don’t really serve any purpose except enjoyment and maybe networking with males are more encouraged for males. Hobbies that can be accommodated by taking place in the home, often while supervising children and in service of their family are more acceptable for females. So I should actually be proud when my husband says that I bake due to my own vanity and not for my family, because that means it’s a REAL hobby.
You absolutely do not have to apologize for enjoying making cookies and liking candlelight! If you are doing those things of your own free will, out of personal choice, then you are not bowing to the manarchy.
I feel so seen here. I am a SAHM to a 2.5 yo and a 9 month old. I have a masters in English Lit and I double majored in English and gender studies in undergrad. I NEVER saw myself staying at home until I had my daughter and realized I didn’t want to go back to work yet/it didn’t really make financial sense.
When she started eating, I threw myself into making her food from scratch and all that jazz, and it wasn’t because I think it’s the best way to feed your kid, but because I needed something to occupy my brain space.
I could give more examples of how this piece resonated with me (division of labor, spousal relationship, feminist outrage at needing to defend my life as a SAHM) but mostly I just want to say thank you!! It’s validating and affirming to read something that so closely mirrors my own experience.
As a Gen-Xer who assumed I’d have a career even if I had kids, I was surprised to find that I wanted to stay home (quit my IT consulting job when my oldest was 2). And after that, that I wanted to homeschool them. Whats interesting in hindsight is that I found that being home with my kids actually allowed me more time to explore my own interests and learn more about myself than I could while I was working. I got very involved with my inclusive statewide homeschool organization (which was started as a counterpoint to the “biblical worldview” homeschool organization that had a good amount of political power in the state). We lobbied at the state level to push back against the view that all homeschoolers were conservative Christians and we hosted an annual conference that provided an alternative to the ones that taught that wives were helpmeets and that the goal was to have a quiverful. I learned public speaking and advocacy as well as starting my blog and really discovered what I truly enjoyed doing - helping people better understand and accept themselves.
My kids are both in their 20s and it is so interesting watching the narrative around parenting shift and change since the 90s. While also kind of horrifying to see what was once pretty fringe even in the homeschooling community suddenly become mainstream. I find my experience isn’t really reflected in either narrative. I did not get fulfillment out of domestic activities (still don’t like cooking, never had a garden, was not really into arts and crafts) but I absolutely loved being home and learning with my kids in a large part because it gave me more freedom to explore my interests…photography, writing, children’s literature, how kids learn and how to support them emotionally. I never felt like a trad wife because that wasn’t the relationship I had with my ex and homeschooling allowed me to find an amazing community of like minded women that felt very intellectually engaging. I know that’s not everyone’s experience with staying home, but I’m glad it was mine. Yet at the same time, it feels like it would be riskier to do today. And I’m not sure what to think about that…
I have been trying out a lot of recipes, lately, and although this change in the way I spend my time and how I feel about it represents a seismic change for me with loads of emotional work involved, I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about what a big deal it is because it feels like everyone misunderstands what cooking means for me. It's either no big deal at all (you gotta eat!) or as evidence that, as you've articulated, I'm embracing some wifeyness (or TRYING to be more feminine or a better mom).
Meal planning and cooking are up there in the top 10 most difficult parts of parenting and marriage for me. I think a lot of people who love cooking also hate having to come up with meals and prepare them during the cactus hours of the day. This is normal. But I am also missing a lot of the requisite executive functions to cook so even when I try I tend to burn things, leave out key ingredients, have forgotten to defrost the meat, defrosted the meat too long ago and so it has gone bad, take 2-3x as long to prepare something as the recipe predicts, buy a bunch of ingredients on an impulse to "batch cook" but then never get around to it so everything rots, and/or forget that the kids also ate whatever I'm making for dinner at school that day (we can't BOTH have taco tuesdays) so they won't eat it. We are all still alive and have been eating regularly for the past decade plus depending heavily on (1) things someone else cooked (looking at you, Trader Joe) that I can heat up from frozen; or (2) eating out. For a long while my husband took over meal planning and grocery shopping, but I soon grew desperate for something other than the four food groups he rotates through for our dinners (spaghetti, tacos, nuggets, frozen pizza). My therapist told me that I have to let my husband do his work his way and not complain or micromanage because he needs to OWN the task. But as I'm not trying to get scurvy I tried to get him to plan for more fruits and veggies. He never does. I feel frustrated with him and he feels annoyed by me. I have every kind of frustrated feeling about cooking. He also has some executive function issues (or maybe was just raised a man? discuss.) so sometimes forgets to do the meal plan or get groceries and then we're both frantic at 5 pm when the kids all have basketball practice and they're starving and we're driving through Chic Fil A for some hate chicken the third time in a week. It feels like a daily reminder that we're not fit to be adults and certainly not fit to be responsible for other humans. How many different types of negative feelings is that just about cooking dinner? Feels like all of them. All of the negative feelings.
Then a few things happened in short sequence: (1) we hired financial planners, who gently recommended we eat out waaaay less if we want to travel and send our kids to college; (2) I perseverated over a Nora Ephron quote about how every day is the only day we have, in particular thinking about how I don't want to have all these negative feelings about something I have to encounter 1-3x every day for the duration of my kids' time at home with me; and (3) I came across Caro Chamber's substack and became enchanted with how cool and unfussy cooking seemed in the hands of such cuteness. If I'm gonna be momfluenced, it might as well be in a way that doesn't make me feel bad about myself and saves me money.
Anyway, it's working. I'm working it. I have cooked at least 15 meals requiring actual ingredients and actual cooking over the last month. Probably half of them were good! And two of them I tried more than once. I'm so proud of myself.
My goal is not really to become a good cook. My goal is simply to figure out how not to ACTIVELY hate/fear cooking. It's also a way for me to practice radical acceptance of my executive function limitations and get creative with self-accommodations.
My second goal is to model for my kids how we have to accommodate ourselves when we have ADHD (which 2, maybe 3, of my kids have). I talk casually about my cooking "journey" at home, identifying what's hard, what I'm trying as a possible assistance. E.g., I tried listening to an audiobook while cooking, but discovered I can only do that during mindless kitchen tasks - not when I have to pay attention - so I'm trying listening to music instead. Listening to nothing results in my walking away from the stovetop and burning things. Also, when I absolutely blow it, I will say out loud to my kids: I feel really frustrated to have spent so long on something and it doesn't taste good/I ruined it. And then I talk through whether I want to try the recipe again to see if I can get it right. Tackling my tendency to quit if it's too hard (and uninspiring) or indulge in all-or-nothing thinking that if I failed at THIS recipe I'm clearly a terrible cook (and then downspiral from there).
It felt good to put these thoughts down so thanks for this topic today. It's been on my mind so much lately!
I’m so glad that you’re figuring out a cooking journey that works for you! I hear you on wanting something to listen to/watch while cooking, and my personal favorites are reruns of Top Chef and [The Next] Food Network Star. If it’s something I know well, I know I don’t have to pay too much attention to it but it provides good background noise--putting on a favorite sitcom also works well here.
The cookbook that really helped me embrace cooking was Giada De Laurentiis’s Everyday Italian (i.e. her first cookbook from her first TV show). It’s a book I recommend to anyone who wants to gain confidence in cooking because the recipes are straightforward and the results are pretty gourmet, and she does a great job of setting you up for success. I also appreciate that many of her recipes in this book are based around pantry items that have become quite mainstream by now, so you don’t have to spend a ton of money to eat well.
Good luck, and I’m rooting for you to not only not fear/hate cooking, but enjoy it!
I’m currently on a year long maternity leave (thank you Canada). I have 5 month old twins and an almost 4 year old and I’ve never been more tired in my life. I have a good career but as soon as my son was born my career aspirations vanished. I did go back to work when my first was 1 and at first I was happy to be back at work but as time went on I became more and more bitter; I felt I wasn’t doing anything well, I wasn’t being a great mom and I wasn’t a great employee. When I found out I was pregnant with twins I was so excited to finally have a legitimate excuse to not return to work. I’m very fortunate to have partner who earns enough to support our family on one income, but I didn’t feel like I could be a good feminist and be a SAHM. Twins gave me the excuse to finally do what I secretly wanted to do, stay at home with my kids. I think that trad wifes are selling a dream, but we have also been sold a dream of the working mom. Both are exhausting and difficult in their own ways. Both can be fulfilling and enjoyable. I’m so happy I’ve been able to experience both and I have the ability to choose, I wish all women could choose. And I wish we weren’t made to feel guilty or wrong about those decisions. I look forward to one day having the energy to bake multiple batches of cookies. That sounds wonderful.
Thank you for articulating this! I have a few weeks off between jobs right now and am pleasantly? Surprised at how much I’m enjoying cooking, cleaning, laundry, planning, meal prepping - all the shit that usually feels so burdensome as a mom of a 16 month old. But I’m trying to lean into it because I know it’s going to end (which is also maybe why I’m enjoying it) and realizing that I’m only probably enjoying it because I’m still being paid which is a tremendously fortunate position to be in. Funny what a bit of brain space can do.
Since my daughter is still in preK we were only out of school for a week, but every time I stay home with my daughter for a few days, I’m reminded that we both like the routine of her going to school and me going to work because that’s our usual routine. When we are at home, we generally do okay for a few days because I come up with outings and things to do so we’re not only at home. Our trip to Target and Barnes and Noble with the gift cards I got from parents of the babies in my class/my grandpa was an outing that took up the whole afternoon the Friday after Christmas. My sister also gave her a Gabby’s Dollhouse matching game (memory game) that was a big hit.
We always have some fun, and I liked not having to worry about all the other things I worry about with the baby schedules when I am running my classroom- having a week away from worrying about nap schedules was nice! But I was very ready to go back to work on 12/30.
I also wanted to make that spinach cheese strata from Smitten Kitchen, but I work at a school that does not have a Christian-based winter break and am therefore only now approaching its end of quarter. Therefore, I am not cooking. Or rather, I should be grading rather than cooking, though I did volunteer to bake a bunch of cookies for some students farewell party. I don’t like how conservatives have co-opted traditional femininity. Liberal women should also do the makeup tutorials and the cooking videos, if that’s what they want to do. I mean, yeah, patriarchy probably did brainwash me into having an affinity with domestic hobbies that I can do with or in service of my children, but I still like cooking, baking, and crafting (I specifically have sewing and sashiko aspirations), but I enjoy them nevertheless. I am still going to advocate for men (specifically my husband) to wash dishes, watch their children, and be in charge of their own siblings’ Christmas cards.
On your sewing and sashiko aspirations and whether they're a product of patriarchal brainwashing: I don't know, maybe, but also my own personal opinion is that Quilting is Feminist. By which I mean, enjoying sewing and embroidery and quilting and whatnot, but I started off as a quilter so that's how my motto came out years ago. Quilting is feminist!
When we stitch, we honor our foremothers who used what they had, and that was often almost nothing, to produce art and beauty that was also useful and practical. We support innumerable designers and producers, most of whom are women. We claim our own time to do what we want, not for anybody else's profit, but for ourselves and those we love. Stitching is feminist!
And yes, that was a huge reaction to a tiny little comment of yours, sorry not sorry 😁
i have HUGE aspirations to one day quilt something! i have quilts made by both my mother and my grandmother and they're probably my most cherished items.
You can do it! The nice part is that quilting is mostly straight lines and not scary curves.
I like this idea of stitching as feminist. It’s about the context! Cooking for free at home is a woman’s job, but cooking for money in a restaurant is a man’s job! Tailoring was traditionally male, but dressmaking and making shirts for children was female. Hobbies that take place outside the home, which are dangerous for children, and which don’t really serve any purpose except enjoyment and maybe networking with males are more encouraged for males. Hobbies that can be accommodated by taking place in the home, often while supervising children and in service of their family are more acceptable for females. So I should actually be proud when my husband says that I bake due to my own vanity and not for my family, because that means it’s a REAL hobby.
i really can't recommend the strata enough! SO GOOD.
You absolutely do not have to apologize for enjoying making cookies and liking candlelight! If you are doing those things of your own free will, out of personal choice, then you are not bowing to the manarchy.
I feel so seen here. I am a SAHM to a 2.5 yo and a 9 month old. I have a masters in English Lit and I double majored in English and gender studies in undergrad. I NEVER saw myself staying at home until I had my daughter and realized I didn’t want to go back to work yet/it didn’t really make financial sense.
When she started eating, I threw myself into making her food from scratch and all that jazz, and it wasn’t because I think it’s the best way to feed your kid, but because I needed something to occupy my brain space.
I could give more examples of how this piece resonated with me (division of labor, spousal relationship, feminist outrage at needing to defend my life as a SAHM) but mostly I just want to say thank you!! It’s validating and affirming to read something that so closely mirrors my own experience.
i'm so glad it resonated emily!
As a Gen-Xer who assumed I’d have a career even if I had kids, I was surprised to find that I wanted to stay home (quit my IT consulting job when my oldest was 2). And after that, that I wanted to homeschool them. Whats interesting in hindsight is that I found that being home with my kids actually allowed me more time to explore my own interests and learn more about myself than I could while I was working. I got very involved with my inclusive statewide homeschool organization (which was started as a counterpoint to the “biblical worldview” homeschool organization that had a good amount of political power in the state). We lobbied at the state level to push back against the view that all homeschoolers were conservative Christians and we hosted an annual conference that provided an alternative to the ones that taught that wives were helpmeets and that the goal was to have a quiverful. I learned public speaking and advocacy as well as starting my blog and really discovered what I truly enjoyed doing - helping people better understand and accept themselves.
My kids are both in their 20s and it is so interesting watching the narrative around parenting shift and change since the 90s. While also kind of horrifying to see what was once pretty fringe even in the homeschooling community suddenly become mainstream. I find my experience isn’t really reflected in either narrative. I did not get fulfillment out of domestic activities (still don’t like cooking, never had a garden, was not really into arts and crafts) but I absolutely loved being home and learning with my kids in a large part because it gave me more freedom to explore my interests…photography, writing, children’s literature, how kids learn and how to support them emotionally. I never felt like a trad wife because that wasn’t the relationship I had with my ex and homeschooling allowed me to find an amazing community of like minded women that felt very intellectually engaging. I know that’s not everyone’s experience with staying home, but I’m glad it was mine. Yet at the same time, it feels like it would be riskier to do today. And I’m not sure what to think about that…
I have been trying out a lot of recipes, lately, and although this change in the way I spend my time and how I feel about it represents a seismic change for me with loads of emotional work involved, I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about what a big deal it is because it feels like everyone misunderstands what cooking means for me. It's either no big deal at all (you gotta eat!) or as evidence that, as you've articulated, I'm embracing some wifeyness (or TRYING to be more feminine or a better mom).
Meal planning and cooking are up there in the top 10 most difficult parts of parenting and marriage for me. I think a lot of people who love cooking also hate having to come up with meals and prepare them during the cactus hours of the day. This is normal. But I am also missing a lot of the requisite executive functions to cook so even when I try I tend to burn things, leave out key ingredients, have forgotten to defrost the meat, defrosted the meat too long ago and so it has gone bad, take 2-3x as long to prepare something as the recipe predicts, buy a bunch of ingredients on an impulse to "batch cook" but then never get around to it so everything rots, and/or forget that the kids also ate whatever I'm making for dinner at school that day (we can't BOTH have taco tuesdays) so they won't eat it. We are all still alive and have been eating regularly for the past decade plus depending heavily on (1) things someone else cooked (looking at you, Trader Joe) that I can heat up from frozen; or (2) eating out. For a long while my husband took over meal planning and grocery shopping, but I soon grew desperate for something other than the four food groups he rotates through for our dinners (spaghetti, tacos, nuggets, frozen pizza). My therapist told me that I have to let my husband do his work his way and not complain or micromanage because he needs to OWN the task. But as I'm not trying to get scurvy I tried to get him to plan for more fruits and veggies. He never does. I feel frustrated with him and he feels annoyed by me. I have every kind of frustrated feeling about cooking. He also has some executive function issues (or maybe was just raised a man? discuss.) so sometimes forgets to do the meal plan or get groceries and then we're both frantic at 5 pm when the kids all have basketball practice and they're starving and we're driving through Chic Fil A for some hate chicken the third time in a week. It feels like a daily reminder that we're not fit to be adults and certainly not fit to be responsible for other humans. How many different types of negative feelings is that just about cooking dinner? Feels like all of them. All of the negative feelings.
Then a few things happened in short sequence: (1) we hired financial planners, who gently recommended we eat out waaaay less if we want to travel and send our kids to college; (2) I perseverated over a Nora Ephron quote about how every day is the only day we have, in particular thinking about how I don't want to have all these negative feelings about something I have to encounter 1-3x every day for the duration of my kids' time at home with me; and (3) I came across Caro Chamber's substack and became enchanted with how cool and unfussy cooking seemed in the hands of such cuteness. If I'm gonna be momfluenced, it might as well be in a way that doesn't make me feel bad about myself and saves me money.
Anyway, it's working. I'm working it. I have cooked at least 15 meals requiring actual ingredients and actual cooking over the last month. Probably half of them were good! And two of them I tried more than once. I'm so proud of myself.
My goal is not really to become a good cook. My goal is simply to figure out how not to ACTIVELY hate/fear cooking. It's also a way for me to practice radical acceptance of my executive function limitations and get creative with self-accommodations.
My second goal is to model for my kids how we have to accommodate ourselves when we have ADHD (which 2, maybe 3, of my kids have). I talk casually about my cooking "journey" at home, identifying what's hard, what I'm trying as a possible assistance. E.g., I tried listening to an audiobook while cooking, but discovered I can only do that during mindless kitchen tasks - not when I have to pay attention - so I'm trying listening to music instead. Listening to nothing results in my walking away from the stovetop and burning things. Also, when I absolutely blow it, I will say out loud to my kids: I feel really frustrated to have spent so long on something and it doesn't taste good/I ruined it. And then I talk through whether I want to try the recipe again to see if I can get it right. Tackling my tendency to quit if it's too hard (and uninspiring) or indulge in all-or-nothing thinking that if I failed at THIS recipe I'm clearly a terrible cook (and then downspiral from there).
It felt good to put these thoughts down so thanks for this topic today. It's been on my mind so much lately!
I’m so glad that you’re figuring out a cooking journey that works for you! I hear you on wanting something to listen to/watch while cooking, and my personal favorites are reruns of Top Chef and [The Next] Food Network Star. If it’s something I know well, I know I don’t have to pay too much attention to it but it provides good background noise--putting on a favorite sitcom also works well here.
The cookbook that really helped me embrace cooking was Giada De Laurentiis’s Everyday Italian (i.e. her first cookbook from her first TV show). It’s a book I recommend to anyone who wants to gain confidence in cooking because the recipes are straightforward and the results are pretty gourmet, and she does a great job of setting you up for success. I also appreciate that many of her recipes in this book are based around pantry items that have become quite mainstream by now, so you don’t have to spend a ton of money to eat well.
Good luck, and I’m rooting for you to not only not fear/hate cooking, but enjoy it!
I’m currently on a year long maternity leave (thank you Canada). I have 5 month old twins and an almost 4 year old and I’ve never been more tired in my life. I have a good career but as soon as my son was born my career aspirations vanished. I did go back to work when my first was 1 and at first I was happy to be back at work but as time went on I became more and more bitter; I felt I wasn’t doing anything well, I wasn’t being a great mom and I wasn’t a great employee. When I found out I was pregnant with twins I was so excited to finally have a legitimate excuse to not return to work. I’m very fortunate to have partner who earns enough to support our family on one income, but I didn’t feel like I could be a good feminist and be a SAHM. Twins gave me the excuse to finally do what I secretly wanted to do, stay at home with my kids. I think that trad wifes are selling a dream, but we have also been sold a dream of the working mom. Both are exhausting and difficult in their own ways. Both can be fulfilling and enjoyable. I’m so happy I’ve been able to experience both and I have the ability to choose, I wish all women could choose. And I wish we weren’t made to feel guilty or wrong about those decisions. I look forward to one day having the energy to bake multiple batches of cookies. That sounds wonderful.
Wonderful affirming piece, and also a reminder of what gorgeous thoughts arise when we have space to be in the flow.
Thank you for articulating this! I have a few weeks off between jobs right now and am pleasantly? Surprised at how much I’m enjoying cooking, cleaning, laundry, planning, meal prepping - all the shit that usually feels so burdensome as a mom of a 16 month old. But I’m trying to lean into it because I know it’s going to end (which is also maybe why I’m enjoying it) and realizing that I’m only probably enjoying it because I’m still being paid which is a tremendously fortunate position to be in. Funny what a bit of brain space can do.
Since my daughter is still in preK we were only out of school for a week, but every time I stay home with my daughter for a few days, I’m reminded that we both like the routine of her going to school and me going to work because that’s our usual routine. When we are at home, we generally do okay for a few days because I come up with outings and things to do so we’re not only at home. Our trip to Target and Barnes and Noble with the gift cards I got from parents of the babies in my class/my grandpa was an outing that took up the whole afternoon the Friday after Christmas. My sister also gave her a Gabby’s Dollhouse matching game (memory game) that was a big hit.
We always have some fun, and I liked not having to worry about all the other things I worry about with the baby schedules when I am running my classroom- having a week away from worrying about nap schedules was nice! But I was very ready to go back to work on 12/30.