I don't want a Mom Water™
OR A DAD WATER™
Here at In pursuit, we appreciate when brands try to sell us shit by employing “mom” as a cutesy pejorative. We love mom bags, mom outfits, mommy makeovers. We live for moms’ nights out. If consumption and capitalism can be directly linked to our status as mothers, WE LOVE TO SEE IT.
Enter Mom Water.
Mom Water is a drink for moms, which means it is alcohol, because we ALL KNOW that in order to cope with the difficulties of our lives, we shouldn’t protest the systemic injustices making our lives so impossible, but numb ourselves with whatever mother’s little helper we can get our hands on instead.
Mom Water is not remotely close to being the first intoxicant or sedative marketed, sold, and/or prescribed to mothers. For years, both the marketplace and the medical establishment have been intent on coaxing mothers to pay less attention to their disempowerment by offering them whatever desensitizing agents were most popular and profitable.
In the 19th century, mothers were prescribed super casual substances like cocaine and CHLOROFORM to treat “hysteria.” In the midcentury, mothers were prescribed highly addictive barbiturates to cope with their forced exclusion from public life following WWII, and now, of course, we live in the golden age of mommy juice.
Oh and let’s not forget to raise a glass to the practice of Twilight Sleep, in which birthing women were drugged with a combination of morphine and scopolamine (which caused AMNESIA), and the result was a sedation that rendered the patient immobile but didn’t necessarily eradicate the pain of childbirth. It just made her forget about it once she woke up. Cool!
This type of medicating has historically been deemed all well and good for white moms of a certain class, but of course, if marginalized mothers also turn to substances in order to deal with the pain of their lives, they are “crack mothers,” “meth heads,” “welfare queens,” or “drunken Indians.” The devastation of Covid also caused an influx of mothers to turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to deal with the shameful hand they’d been dealt by a government determined to sacrifice caregivers at the altar of capitalism.
I ruined
’s day by sending her the Sleepover Barbie Drinking Mom Water Instagram post. Amanda’s written beautifully about the connection between alcohol and motherhood, and I wanted a take that wasn’t just me screaming at an add on my computer. Here’s what Amanda had to say, and if you like her extremely smart take, DEF subscribe to her extremely smart newsletter, .The implication in these ads is that it's revolutionary to gather with the ladies and drink low-calorie, gluten free, carb-free, and sugar-free alcoholic beverages in attractive satin pajamas (don't get me wrong, I love a satin PJ) simply because there is presumably some cultural prohibition on women— or mothers specifically— getting drunk together. And sure, yes, women are always judged more harshly when they are perceived to be out of male control. But mommy wine/juice culture has by now become SO normalized as a way of blowing off maternal steam that I don't actually think this prohibition exists at all if you are a pretty white mom. Drinking your mommy water today, I would argue, actually fulfills one of the primary cultural expectations of motherhood: that you will be run-down and dragged through the dirt, but you will live love laugh and wine-time it off, so you can keep clocking in without pay every day, without participating in any meaningful political action towards improving the working conditions of care workers in the US.
In the wise words of Katie Britt, American loves a desperate, terrified mother unable to sleep at 2AM. As long as she has access to Mom Water, EVERYTHING IS FINE. NOTHING TO SEE HERE. But guys, I don’t want to bring the vibes down, so let’s not worry about racism, classism, poverty, structural inequality, or the socially accepted practice of encouraging structurally abandoned mothers to blur their brains to the roots of their oppression! Let’s have a Mom Water instead!
I’ve never tried Mom Water but I hate Mom Water because it’s called Mom Water. Lest you think the name is the only thing to hate though, let me count the ways.
Mom Water was created by a husband and wife team. I don’t want a husband involved in the creation or naming of my alcoholic beverage. Or really anything.
Mom Water is uncarbonated? I mostly hate hard seltzers because they taste like off-brand Starbursts, but the bubbles make the occasional High Noon or whatever manageable. Imagine the off-brand Starburst flavor but MAKE IT FLAT. No thanks!
Mom Water is proudly “all natural” (meaningless), “gluten-free,” (diet culture), “sugar-free” (diet culture), “carb-free” (diet culture).
Mom Water flavors are named after MOMMY STOCK CHARACTERS CREATED SOLELY FOR THE PURCHASE OF SELLING MOMS FLAT SKITTLE JUICE.
Image Source. Cool Mom sob sob sob sob sob sob. Holy shit they have a Mom Water NAMED KAREN. Karen is (wait for it) “THE BOSS.” NOT A GOOD LOOK. Like, at least make Karen the “peace loving art teacher who volunteers on the weekends” or something.
The brand’s relationship to “Karen” as both the name of a Mom Water and as a cultural archetype is nonsensical and inconsistent. Why are you trying to make me DRINK a Karen while also telling me that “being a Karen” is “out” ALONG WITH “DRINKING THINGS THAT DON’T TASTE GOOD” WHEN WAS THAT EVER IN!? And did the Mom Water girlies think “being a Karen” was “in” (alongside BURPING FROM CARBONATION WHAT?!) like, last year? If so, can we really trust them to make beverage recommendations?
The marketing unsurprisingly features mostly white women who (somewhat baffling) may or may not read as “moms.”
Like, sure, maybe these are moms at a Little League cookout, but maybe they’re also Ryleigh and Ashleigh in Cancun on spring break? HARD TO SAY. And maybe this is a mom enjoying a quiet night at home while her kids are either with another caregiver or at a sleepover, but maybe it’s also just a non-mom, in which case, WHY is she drinking MOM WATER? Like, if you’re going to name a product Mom_______, shouldn’t you at least condescend to us silly mommies by using marketing material that is appropriate for thirsty mamas???? And jesus christ, leave the poor pet owners OUT OF THIS. They did nothing to deserve being the target of your ads!
The lead image on the website is this one, which, if we’re to believe that Mom Water is FOR MOMS, is shockingly off base, since theoretically this “mom” might be at the pool with her kids, but a) she’s objectively not watching said kids, and b) she may or may not be conscious. This ad is supposed to be aspirational but might it also be a case for calling CPS?
And to all the many, many dads reading this newsletter, fear not, Mom Water HQ has created a drink JUST RIGHT for your manly self. It’s Mom Water except it’s Dad Water, which means it’s not made with fruity, feminine VODKA, but with tough, macho TEQUILA. Everyone knows alcohol is gendered!!!!
You can also see that the yellow can is meant for you (and not for me, a mere mom) because it’s not slim and dainty like the Mom Water. It’s muscular and owns a stable full of broncos and mustangs. And THANK THE MOM WATER GODS, you won’t have to drink from a can that says “Linda” or “Sandy,” you’ll get to drink from a can that says (I’m about to have an out of body experience) . . . TOM, STEVE, R O D N E Y, or (AHHHHHHHHHHH) GARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That Dad water is served on tap at Ken’s mojo dojo casa house
If my husband tells me he wants to go "drink some Rodney", I feel like I'd have more than one follow up question.